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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27078949">Remember me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/herilaveur/pseuds/herilaveur'>herilaveur</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (France)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 01:41:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,168</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27078949</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/herilaveur/pseuds/herilaveur</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if one day, the love of your life doesn't remember you? </p><p>What would you do? Be patient and hope that his memories come back? Should you try to make him fall in love with you again? Or should you just let him live his life without you? </p><p>Does love really win every time?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>176</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>155</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Remember who you are</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(normally) this will be the largest of the chapters...it's a bit long but I didn't want to cut it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>It's amazing how your life can change in less than thirty seconds. Like a simple word to turn your whole world upside down and make you feel like you're dying. In this case, it's not a simple word. It's a sentence. One that Eliott would have liked never to hear.</p><p>
  <em>"Lucas has just been taken to the hospital."</em>
</p><p>Eliott hears Yann's voice on his phone and it takes him two minutes to react.</p><p>''How is he? What happened?"</p><p>The silence at the end of the phone hurts him all over his body.</p><p>''We don't know. He fell on his skateboard this afternoon, but he got up again. We thought he hurt his head hitting the ramp, but he said he was okay. He said he had a headache so we went home. We were talking, he was fine and then all of a sudden he started babbling and we couldn't understand anything and then he collapsed. His whole body started shaking, and he didn't answer anymore. Come to the hospital, Eliott. Now!''</p><p>Eliott nods as if for himself and puts his phone on the counter of the video store. It's a good thing Marc, his boss, is there, otherwise he would have had to get all the customers out. So Eliott goes down to the storeroom where Marc files the returns.</p><p>''Eliott? How are you doing?"</p><p>Eliott shakes his head and catches up with himself at the railing because he almost falls down.</p><p>''I have to go. Lucas. Hospital. Accident."</p><p>Marc drops the DVDs and puts his hands on Eliott's shoulders, pressing as hard as he can. It almost hurts but it forces Eliott to calm down.</p><p>''Calm down, Eliott. Breathe. I'll take you there"</p><p>In less than two minutes, Marc gets the customers out, closes the store and pushes Eliott into his car.</p><p>"Which hospital?"</p><p>Eliott swallows, only now realizing that he doesn't know. He takes his phone back, ready to call Yann but realizes that he has about ten messages. He doesn't read them, he just selects the most important one.</p><p>''Armand-Trousseau Hospital.''</p><p>Eliott jumps out of the car without waiting for it to be completely stopped as soon as they arrive in front of the emergency entrance. He directly spots Yann, Basile and Arthur, completely pale in the waiting room.</p><p>"How is he?"</p><p>Yann shrugs his shoulders, looking devastated.</p><p>''We don't know, they only give news to the family.''</p><p>Eliott jostled two people as he reached the reception desk, making the woman who was talking to the nurse scream.</p><p>''How is Lucas Lallemant?''</p><p>The nurse frowns as she signals him to step back.</p><p>''You have to wait your turn. You can't just walk past everyone like that."</p><p>''I don't even know if my fiancé is dead or alive, of course I can walk past everyone. How's he doing?"</p><p>The woman next to him puts her hand on Eliott's shoulder. It's probably to be nice, or to tell him that she's leaving him her place, but Eliott jumps and moves to remove this hand that weighs too much on him. </p><p>''I just want to know how he's doing.''</p><p>The nurse pushes a button and shows Eliott a door. </p><p>''Come in, go into the second room on the left, a doctor will come and see you.''</p><p>Eliott almost jumps on the door and enters the small room. There are just four chairs set up along a yellow wall and it makes him feel like he's in a prison. It's too small, too tight. So Eliott comes out of there and waits in the hallway in front of the door, biting his nails and jumping from one foot to the other because he can't hold still.</p><p>A doctor appears at the end of the hallway and looks at him as he walks towards him so Eliott joins him.</p><p>''I'm here for Lucas Lallemant. How is he doing?"</p><p>The doctor looks at him from head to toe and then frowns.</p><p>''Only family members are allowed here.''</p><p>Eliott's cheeks turn red immediately. There is too much emotion in him.</p><p>''I'm his only family, he's my fiancé.''</p><p>The doctor looks at him unimpressed.</p><p>''What about his parents?"</p><p>Eliott clenches his right fist to contain his anger and tries to breathe calmly.</p><p>''His father has been gone for a while and his mother is in a mental hospital. I'm telling you, I'm his family."</p><p>The doctor nods and signals to Eliott to follow him. Walking the halls does him good. It doesn't relax him at all, but at least it gets him moving. He expects the doctor to take him to Lucas' bedside, but he leads him into an office and waves him to sit down. </p><p>Eliott sits reluctantly, trying to contain the beating of his leg while the doctor sits in front of him.</p><p>''When the paramedic arrived, he was unconscious and he had convulsions''.</p><p>Eliott swallowed, tears in his eyes as he scratched the inside of his hands with his fingernails to keep the physical pain at bay.</p><p>''He suffered a blow to the head. His friends said he hit a ramp at the skatepark. In fact, it caused diffuse subarachnoid hemorrhaging, we had to ''</p><p>''I don't understand what that means at all.''</p><p>Eliott looks at the doctor, completely lost in all his gibberish, and he sighs, feeling like an idiot.</p><p>''Sorry. An artery has ruptured in his brain, letting blood escape where it shouldn't be."</p><p>Eliott swallows painfully as he nods. Is it as horrible as Eliott imagines it to be? Because it sounds particularly horrible. Eliott's eyes fill with tears and he wipes them out without taking his eyes off the doctor, wanting to remember all the information so he can help Lucas get better.</p><p>''He also had several bruises under the skin of his skull that compressed his brain. He is currently undergoing surgery to stop the bleeding and remove the bruises."</p><p>Eliott doesn't want to do it, but it's too late, he imagines Lucas, a few floors down, lying on the operating table while the doctors are all gathered around him. And now Eliott wants to vomit, but he can't. He has to be there for Lucas. His sweet Lucas who has always been there for him, who put up with all his bullshit, his lies about urbex and even came to pick him up at the police station...his perfect Lucas.</p><p>The doctor is silent and looks at Eliott who again wipes his eyes with a lapel.</p><p>''How will he be after that?''</p><p>The doctor sighs with a shrug.</p><p>''We don't know. That's the problem before the brain, we won't know until he's awake."</p><p>Eliott nods, letting go a little of the pressure in his hands, trying to think as fast as possible.</p><p>''He might not wake up?''</p><p>Eliott wants to hit himself for daring to ask the question, not wanting to hear bad news, but he needs to know.</p><p>"He might. Anything is possible. But he's young, he looks healthy. We have good hopes, but we can't promise anything. There was more than two hours between his fall and his arrival here and sometimes''</p><p>Eliott stands up and signals to him not to say anything and thanks to him, the doctor is silent. Eliott knows that sometimes things go wrong for no reason, but right now he can't imagine it.</p><p>"How soon will he be able to wake up?"</p><p>The doctor approaches Eliott and puts his hand on his forearm. Eliott steps back to escape this contact, causing the doctor to frown.</p><p>"Sorry. I just... Just don't touch me."</p><p>The doctor nods, now looking at him strangely, but Eliott doesn't care.</p><p>''The operation should take another three hours and then he should wake up just after. For now, he has no edema so we don't need to keep him in an artificial coma but all this may change during the operation. You can go home and we will call you when he's in intensive care."</p><p>A chuckle comes out of Eliott's chest in spite of himself.</p><p>''Do you think I'm going to go home and make myself a cup of tea while my boyfriend gets his head cracked open?''</p><p>The doctor raises his hand to touch Eliott but stops before doing so.</p><p>''You won't be of any use here. Go home, take a shower, organize yourself to be available for the next few days and rest. Your boyfriend is going to need you. Right now you can't do anything, but when he wakes up, he's going to need you.''</p><p>Eliott nods and fills out the information sheet to the doctor as he asks. He walks through the emergency room doors with his shoulders down and is about to leave the hospital when he is pulled into a hug. He violently pushes the person away before realizing that it is Yann.</p><p>"Shit, I'm sorry, Yann."</p><p>Yann comes back towards him but Basile gets in between the two of them.</p><p>"How is he?"</p><p>Eliott sighs and signals to the guys to come out. He has to go home, tidy up and clean everything for Lucas' return. He has to warn that he won't be going to school or to the video store for the next few days. So he starts walking while explaining to the guys what the doctor said. </p><p>Contrary to what he would have thought, the guys aren't leaving. Instead, they help Eliott put the apartment in order. The atmosphere is really strange because, contrary to usual, the guys are extremely quiet, but Eliott is glad he's not alone. He's in the shower when Basile comes screaming into the bathroom, Eliott's phone ringing in his hands.</p><p>''It's them!''</p><p>"Pick up the fucking phone!'' shouts Eliott while grabbing a towel.</p><p>It's only been two hours. Eliott's blood freezes while he grabs the phone that Basile has just put on speakerphone.</p><p>''Mr. Demaury, this is the intensive care unit. Can you come in?"</p><p>''How is he?''</p><p>''We'd like you to come in. Is it possible?"</p><p>''I'm on my way. How is he?"</p><p>''He's out of surgery.''</p><p>Eliott doesn't like the way she says that. It's not "he's awake."; it's not "he's asking to see you.", it's "he's out of surgery."</p><p>''I'll come as soon as I can.''</p><p>Eliott dresses hastily and thanks Yann who has already ordered a uber. They rush all four into the uber. Eliott should have gone to the front, he's too tight, sitting next to Arthur. He jumps out of the uber as they arrive at the hospital, Yann shouting at him to go and keep them informed. </p><p>He searches the signs and goes up to the intensive care unit where he destroys the doorbell.</p><p>''Eliott Demaury?''</p><p>He nods to the nurse who opens the door to join him. She shows him a locker that she opens.</p><p>''Put your personal belongings here. Phone, jewelry, jacket, anything but your clothes."</p><p>Eliott gets rid of them as quickly as he can, promising himself that he will never wear so many rings again, except the one Lucas gave him on his last birthday.</p><p>"How is he doing?"</p><p>The nurse takes a sorry smile that Eliott immediately hates.</p><p>''We need you to tell us. The doctor is with him. Come wash your hands and get dressed."</p><p>Eliott lets himself get dressed and finally enters the ward, his heart beating at 1000 per hour. He immediately spots the doctor he saw earlier who is waiting in front of a cubicle.</p><p>"He's awake but he's rather confused so we want to see if he recognizes you. If he doesn't recognize you, don't say anything. Try not to show that it affects you, okay? We don't want to stress him any more than he already is."</p><p>Eliott nods and the doctor opens the door. There's a doctor bent over the bed and two nurses who keep Eliott from seeing Lucas.</p><p>''Of course I know, my name is Lucas Lallemant.''</p><p>Eliott is forced to refrain from crying when he hears his voice. He approaches the bed with a smile on his face. Lucas has a bandaged head and some bruises, he has one arm in a cast but he looks good. He looks at Eliott and a big smile cracks on his face.</p><p>''Hi. I thought you were never coming. So?"</p><p>Eliott feels a huge smile spread across his face. The doctor frightened him by telling him that Lucas might not remember him. But that was impossible. Their love cannot be forgotten. He walks towards the bed, nurses stepping back to give him space. He grabs Lucas' hand and squeezes it gently.</p><p>''Hi, babe. I missed you."</p><p>Lucas tears his hand away from Eliott's hand, eyes wide open in amazement.</p><p>"Oh, what are you doing, man?"</p><p>The doctor moves closer, pulling Eliott back slightly, and he's totally frozen in place.</p><p>''Lucas? Do you know who this man is?"</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott, squinting, then nods and Eliott allows himself to breathe.</p><p>"It's the nurse who was there when I woke up, isn't it? He had to go and get information about Yann. I was with my best friend at the time of my fall."</p><p>Eliott feels the tears coming up in his eyes and tries to take Lucas' hand, but Lucas folds it back on his chest.</p><p>''I'm your fiancé, babe.''</p><p>Lucas widens the eyes, shakes his head and pushes away Eliott before looking at the doctor.</p><p>''Oh! What's that guy saying? Don't tell me you believe him. He's crazy. I can't be engaged already because I'm only 16 years old and I'm not gay. What the hell is that? Get him out of my room. Fuck, get out of here!"</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott with a black look and Eliott looks down, not being able to face so much hatred in the eyes of the one he loves.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Remember I love you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Eliott is looking at his phone that keeps vibrating. Lucas's friends ask him for news. What is he supposed to answer?<em> He's fine but he doesn't remember me? He thinks he's 16 and I think he wants to kill me?</em> Holy shit. But how could their lives be turned upside down so quickly because of a simple fall on a skateboard?</p><p>He looks at his ring, back around his ring finger. He left the rest of his stuff in the locker, unable to bring himself to leave too far away from the service. He just got his phone and his engagement ring back. He still sees Lucas on his knees in front of him on his own birthday. He can still hear himself say<em>"It's your birthday, babe. I'm the one who has to give you a gift, normally.</em><em>"</em> and he still hears Lucas' voice say<em> "But it's my gift. That's what I want as a gift: I want you for the rest of my life. And look, there's also a ring for me if you say yes. So, do you want? Oh shit, is it too much? Oh my God, I shouldn't have done that. You're right, it's too soon."</em></p><p>Eliott sees himself jumping into Lucas' arms, smashing their lips together, telling Lucas he's an idiot if he thought Eliott could say no. Ok, he wouldn't have thought to propose so early, but he doesn't care. Lucas needed to be sure that the two of them were in it for life, and Eliott was more than happy to confirm it to him. </p><p>And now, Eliott looks at his ring, and wonders where Lucas' ring is and if he will ever put it back on. He even wonders if it even makes sense to continue wearing his ring.</p><p>''Eliott, do you want to come with us? It might be hard for him."</p><p>Eliott looks up at the doctor and nods, drying his tears.</p><p>''Yeah. Sorry. Of course I wanna be there. Yann, he's been his best friend forever, can he help? Do you think it'll do him any good to see him?"</p><p>The doctor nods and Eliott calls Yann. He thought the guys were long gone but they are in the hospital lobby so Yann enters the intensive care unit less than ten minutes later.</p><p>"So? How's he doing?"</p><p>Eliott sighs sniffling. He weighs the words in his head before saying it, but it's time, he has to say it :</p><p>''He doesn't remember me. He thinks he's 16."</p><p>Yann widens his eyes and takes a step back, hitting the wall behind him. He makes a pout as if he's going to cry but takes a breath and his face hardens again. </p><p>''Okay. What should we do now? How do we help him get his memory back? Cause he can't stay like this, right? He can't just forget two years of his life?"</p><p>''I'll try to make him understand that he's not 16.'' The doctor says ''Since he remembers you, it will surely help him. He doesn't trust the medical team at all, but he should trust you. He's been asking for you a lot."</p><p>Yann enters the room first. Lucas is sleeping. He looks so peaceful. Eliott just wants to be able to lie down next to him, kiss his forehead and hold his hand, telling him that he will be fine. He would like to be in a movie and the next time Lucas watches it, he would remember him and how much they love each other.</p><p>Yann gently caresses Lucas' arm and he opens his eyes with a grunt, his gaze falling directly on Eliott.</p><p>''What are you doing in my room? I told you to leave."</p><p>Eliott recoils in front of his words which are intended for him and Yann shakes Lucas' hand. Lucas turns towards him and smiles as he stands up, pulling him so hard towards him that Yann stops just before crushing his plastered arm.</p><p>"Yann, finally! Damn bro, this is a crazy story! This guy says he's my fiancé and the doctors believe him. Can you imagine? You've got to get me out of here."</p><p>Lucas almost starts laughing but he stops and frowns when he sees that Yann doesn't react.</p><p>"Do you remember the last time we saw each other, Lulu?'' asks Yann.</p><p>Lucas nods with a smile.</p><p>''Of course I do. We were at the skatepark and I fell down."</p><p>Eliott looks at Yann then at the doctor. Why would Lucas remember falling at the skatepark but not remember him?</p><p>"Lucas, do you know what day it is?" asks the doctor.</p><p>Lucas nods and rolls his eyes.</p><p>''But of course I know that. It is April 24, 2018."</p><p>Yann takes a step back and turns to the doctor.</p><p>''Oh shit, I think that's the day he hit me at the skatepark. He had filmed me and I wanted to post the video on my Insta, but while I was looking at my phone, he hit me. I'll have to look in my phone, but I think it was around that day.''</p><p>''Yann, damn it! It was this morning. Why are you talking like that? What the fuck is going on?"</p><p>The doctor finishes writing something down on his notebook before turning to Lucas.</p><p>"Lucas, don't you think Yann has changed?"</p><p>Lucas looks at Yann and shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>"I don't know."</p><p>The doctor leaves the room and comes back with a mirror.</p><p>"And you, do you think you've changed?"</p><p>Lucas looks at himself, touches his cheeks, then his hair and looks at Yann.</p><p>''Why is my hair so long? I just cut it. I look like... What the fuck?"</p><p>Lucas looks totally scared and to Eliott, it's just horrible to look at. He wants to tell him that he's safe and he's going to be okay. He wishes he could hug him, remind him that this is where he'd rather be, but there's nothing he can do. So he looks at Lucas, hoping that in a tiny corner of his unconscious mind, his presence will soothe him a little.</p><p>''You fell, Lucas. We had to operate, but it's 2020. It's October 2020, Lucas."</p><p>Lucas shakes his head as he touches his head. He grimaced as he touched the part where his hair had been shaved, and where he now has a huge bandage.</p><p>''I was in a coma for two years? ...just for a fall on a skateboard?"</p><p>The doctor shakes his head.</p><p>''No, Lucas. You fell this afternoon. You're suffering from amnesia. Apparently you've forgotten the events between those two dates."</p><p>Lucas opens his eyes, shaking his head, looking around the room, scared.</p><p>''No. No. Yann, help me. I want to get out of here. My parents must be worried. You know my father, he hates it when he doesn't know where I am. He's going to go crazy and"</p><p>Yann puts his hand on Lucas to calm him down.</p><p>''You haven't been living with your parents for a while now, Lucas. Your father left town and your mother had to be hospitalized because of her schizophrenia.''</p><p>Two tears are streaming down Lucas' cheek and Eliott really has to hold back from wiping them off. A nurse knocks on the room to talk to the doctor who is going away and signals to them that he will be back. He doesn't leave the room, just stays at the door to talk with the nurse and Eliott can see that he is looking at Lucas out of the corner of his eye, as if he is afraid he will explode.  So Eliott wonders what Lucas did after he left. Because Lucas told him about the many times he had fought before they were together, explaining that hitting someone allowed him to release the anger he had against himself. And Eliott knows that when Lucas gets angry, he needs to yell. He needs to yell, but he can't stand to be yelled at, and if that happens, he runs away. And that's the difficulty in having an argument with Lucas. Was Lucas violent? Did he yell at the doctors? Are the doctors afraid that he might hurt himself? </p><p>''Where do I live then?''</p><p>Lucas' voice is barely as loud as a whisper and his chin trembles as he looks at Yann, waiting for the answer. </p><p>''You've lived with Manon, Mika and Lisa and now you've been living with Eliott since January. You've been a couple for more than a year and a half, Lucas. You proposed to him in July.''</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott then Yann again and shakes his head.</p><p>"Stop it Yann, it's impossible! I'm not a fucking gay guy. Stop making it up, it's not funny. Why are you doing this to me? I want to leave. I have to leave."</p><p>Lucas pushes Yann, unhooks the monitors connected to his chest and tries to pull out his catheter but Eliott grabs his hand. Lucas looks him in the eyes before spitting in his face.</p><p>''Don't ever fucking touch me again!  Get away from me! Get away him from me!"</p><p>Eliott steps back, letting the doctor insert something into Lucas' catheter and he starts crying while Lucas closes his eyes and moans. </p><p>Yann lets go of Lucas' hand to come and take Eliott in his arms but Eliott pushes him away.</p><p>''Take care of him, Ok?''</p><p>"I think you should give him some space, Eliott." the doctor says softly "Apparently he's not ready to accept your relationship. You're going to have to take it slow."</p><p>Eliott sniffs and nods. He approaches Lucas, takes advantage of the fact that he is under sedation to kiss him on the forehead.</p><p>''I love you, babe. I love you so much. Please remember I love you and you love me."</p><p>He leaves the stall sobbing, and runs into Arthur and Basile as soon as he leaves the service.</p><p>''Oh shit, Eliott. Come here."</p><p>Basile hugs him, pressing hard enough to make Eliott feel contained and Eliott bursts into tears.</p><p>''He don't remember me. I've lost him."</p><p>Eliott cries for a long time in Basile's arms while Arthur rubs his back. The nurses put the three of them in a small room away from prying eyes and that's where Yann joined them two hours later. It is after midnight but time seems to have stopped since Eliott received this phone call.</p><p>''So?"</p><p>Yann sighs and wipes a tear from the corner of his eyes.</p><p>''He is... he is lost. He doesn't remember anything since 2018."</p><p>"Can I see him?" asks Arthur.</p><p>Yann sighs again.</p><p>"He won't remember you, he didn't know you. He is angry and confused. It's really difficult for him."</p><p>Arthur and Basile fall down sitting on the chairs behind them while the doctor joins them, turning to Eliott. And just for that alone, Eliott wants to thank him. To thank him for not pushing him away, for not preferring Yann.</p><p>"We're going to give him a scan and an EEG tomorrow but he suffers from retrograde amnesia. He lost the last two years of his life. Apparently, he doesn't even remember that he turn gay."</p><p>Eliott sighs rolling his eyes.</p><p>''He didn't turn gay, he always was. Except that he was so repressed that he had developed internal homophobia. He went through a very difficult time before accepting himself. We talked about it a lot together."</p><p>''Can it come back?'' asks Basile. ''Can we help him recover his memory?''</p><p>The doctor nods gently. Really gently.</p><p>''If tomorrow's results show that his brain is functioning properly, biologically speaking, we can try. Sometimes there's something that triggers a memory and the patient remembers. But sometimes it never comes back and the patient learns to live with that hole in their life."</p><p>Eliott swallows.</p><p>''What if he never remembers me? How do I convince him that he loves me?"</p><p>Arthur puts his hand on Eliott's shoulder, squeezing him lightly.</p><p>''He'll fall in love with you again. He's totally crazy in love with you. He says he fell in love at first sight, so he will fall in love again."</p><p>Tomorrow's results show that the operation is a success and that everything is normal, so they all cling to the hope of making Lucas' memories come back to life, but Lucas is afraid and he's angry with the whole Earth so he refuses all visits for a week. Eliott spends his days in the ICU waiting room and the doctors give him medical updates but there is no improvement in Lucas' memories. Yann comes every day after his classes but Lucas also refuses to see him so he stays in the corridor with Eliott before leaving.</p><p>On Wednesday in the early afternoon, Lucas leaves the intensive care unit to go to the follow-up care unit. Eliott knew this, but like every day, he waited patiently on the chairs in front of the intensive care unit. When the doors open, revealing Lucas on his hospital bed, Eliott's heart is tightening. He gets up, and Lucas turns his head at the same time.</p><p>When their eyes meet, Lucas sits down a little more on the bed.</p><p>''Wait! Stop. Please."</p><p>The stretcher-bearer stops and Eliott doesn't even dare to blink anymore, because he is afraid that he will lose eye contact and Lucas will move away again.</p><p>''Didn't you leave?''</p><p>Eliott shakes his head with tears in his eyes.</p><p>"I can't, Lucas."</p><p>Lucas looks at him visibly astonished.</p><p>''Why?''</p><p>Eliott takes a light inspiration.</p><p>''Because I can't live without you, Lucas, I love you. I'll wait for you as long as it takes but I want to be there for you."</p><p>Lucas looks at him and sighs. </p><p>''I feel sorry for you. You'd better go."</p><p>The moment he says it, Lucas' eyes fill with tears and a tear comes out of his eye as Eliott slowly approaches the bed.</p><p>''Why are you crying, Lucas?''</p><p>Lucas touches his eye, almost surprised and shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''I don't know. Go away, I don't want to see you anymore. Don't waste your time waiting for me."</p><p>Eliott shakes his head, tears flowing silently.</p><p>''I'll never leave. I never waste my time when it comes to you. I'll wait for you, minute after minute, even if it takes"</p><p>''Minute by minute.''</p><p>Eliott is jumping up and closing in on Lucas.</p><p>''What?"</p><p>''They say minute by minute. Not minute after minute."</p><p>Eliott nods, putting his hand on Lucas' hand.</p><p>''Who ''they''? Where did you hear that? Remember, Lucas. Please remember.''</p><p>Lucas thinks and then shrugs his shoulders. </p><p>''I don't know. It's better this way, I think."</p><p>Eliott nods with a smile.</p><p>''Yes, that's much better.''</p><p>Lucas looks at him and sighs.</p><p>''Go back your home, please. ''</p><p>Eliott watches Lucas leave for his new unit but he doesn't move. He's done crying. There is a tiny part of Lucas that remembers them and he will do everything he can to revive it.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Remember the happy moments</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>In the follow-up care department, the nurses are really nice to Eliott. They immediately accepted that he put a drawing on Lucas's lunch tray, so Eliott recovered all the drawings that he had given to Lucas and that the latter kept at home and Lucas receives them one by one, each day on his sets. The nurses say it's the first thing he looks at when the set arrives.</p><p>Now that the vacations have started, Yann comes every afternoon and tells Eliott that Lucas keeps the drawings on his bedside table. But Eliott already knows this because every night when Lucas sleeps, he stands on the doorstep of the Lucas' room and watches him sleep crying silently. The nurses tell him to stop doing that because he's hurting himself, but he can't do it. </p><p>So every night he keeps doing it before he goes home with his heart breaking.</p><p>He can no longer sleep in their bed so he collapses on the couch and sleeps for only a few hours, crying his face off in Lucas' clothes. Eliott spends his time looking at their photos and videos to make sure it was real. In the videos, he listens to Lucas laugh, tells him that he loves him and watches him smile. That's what he misses the most: seeing Lucas smile.</p><p>On Saturday morning, while he waits for the doctors to finish their rounds of the rooms and come to give him an update, Lea, one of the nurses Eliott likes, jumps on him so quickly that she almost scares him.</p><p>''He wants to see you. He asked for you. Eliott! He asked for you!"</p><p>Lea seems overexcited and really happy and Eliott has to remember not to get his hopes up because he's in enough pain already. He walks up the hallway with his heart beating and knocks gently at the door. Lucas sits on his bed and smiles shyly when he meets Eliott's gaze.</p><p>"Hi."</p><p>"Hi."</p><p>Lucas takes a slight breath and runs his hand through his hair as if he were stressed out, and Eliott stops moving, halfway between the door and Lucas' bed.</p><p>"I wanted to apologize for the other day. I'm...I'm really sorry. I know you wanted to help me, I shouldn't have.''</p><p>''It's okay, don't worry about it.'' Eliott stop him, trying not to think about the fact that Lucas spit in his face. ''I know it must be awful for you, Lucas. I don't want to rush you, okay, I just want you to be fine."</p><p>Lucas smiles and nods, making it look like he's about to burst into tears.</p><p>''I'm sorry, that was really hard. I still find it hard to believe. I'm supposed to be engaged at 18 when at 16 I decided not to be gay. I still feel like I'm going to be told that it's a kind of a setup, like the Truman Show and Yann is going to come in and make fun of me as soon as I say I believe it. And then look at you."</p><p>Lucas looks at him from head to toe and his cheeks turn slightly pink.</p><p>''How could I end up with a guy like you? You're clearly out of my league. Honestly, they could've picked a more mundane, less cute, less endearing guy, to do this with, couldn't they? Who would spend their days waiting in a hospital hallway for a guy who didn't want him? Admit it sounds like a setup. You look so perfect. Maybe I should thank the one who made the castings."</p><p>Eliott starts laughing as he gets closer to the bed.</p><p>''You did the casting, Lucas. And you'll soon realize that I'm not perfect, really not, but I'm trying my best to make you happy. I swear there's no cameras and no setup, just an unfortunate accident and our lives that have stopped since.''</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott, squinting as if to test his sincerity and then sighs.</p><p>''Yeah, I know. But it would have been easier. It would be a good idea for a script."</p><p>Eliott smiles.</p><p>''Normally I'm the one who writes scripts.''</p><p>Lucas looks at him frowning.</p><p>''Really?''</p><p>Eliott nods gently.</p><p>''Yeah. I'm in film school to be a director."</p><p>Lucas looks the drawings than looks at him with a smile on his face.</p><p>''It's funny, I wouldn't have imagined myself with an artist.''</p><p>Lucas sighs before looking at his hands.</p><p>''So...Yann told me about us. About how I feel about you, how I made my coming-out, but not about our history, really, and the doctor wouldn't let him show me pictures. He says it's up to you. I think I'm ready. Do you have any pictures?"</p><p>Eliott nods as he approaches.</p><p>''Of course. Hundreds of them."</p><p>Eliott opens a folder containing their photos of the couple and hands his phone to Lucas with a smile on his face.</p><p>"Here you go."</p><p>Lucas takes the phone and Eliott takes it as a small victory. He scrolls through the pictures and stops on one. Eliott approaches at the phone and tears come to his eyes when he notices that it's a picture of the two of them kissing in front of the mural in high school.</p><p>''Does this remind you of anything?''</p><p>Lucas zooms in and shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''No. It's just weird, this painting. And seeing us like this, it's just weird. I look weird."</p><p>Eliott swallows. He wanted to tell him that he just looks happy, but he doesn't want to rush him, so he holds back and focuses on the mural.</p><p>''We both painted it, the mural behind us. It was in high school."</p><p>Lucas looks at him frowning,</p><p>''Are you in my high school? Since when? Were you in my class?"</p><p>Eliott hesitates, remembering the doctor's recommendations but he can't refuse to answer Lucas' questions. He is already so happy that Lucas agrees to talk to him.</p><p>''I arrived in January 2019, I was a senior."</p><p>Lucas stares at him as he reflects.</p><p>''Did you change schools six months before finals?''</p><p>Eliott smiles, thinking back to their first conversation under the bus shelter.</p><p>''It's weird.'' Lucas concludes ''But good for me, I guess. I was dating a senior, cool.''</p><p>He scrolls through the pictures and stops again, pointing his finger at a photo.</p><p>''Him! Fuck, I know him. It's...''</p><p>Lucas reflects and looks at the picture again.</p><p>''He ...He helped me. He reassured me. He told me something important. Fuck, I have his name on the tip of my tongue. Fuck yes, I know who it is. I swear I see him sitting in front of me."</p><p>Eliott doesn't understand everything but he nods. The doctor explained to him that memories should not be induced, so he shouldn't say anything until Lucas remembers it himself, so as not to distort his memory. And it is clear that he has already said too much. But maybe if he lets him think, Lucas will be able to remember and that he will eventually remember him.</p><p>''It's one of your friends. Of our friends. But you didn't know him in 2018."</p><p>''Can I see him? Do you think he might come? Fuck, I know his name. I swear I do."</p><p>Eliott nods and calls him immediately before giving Lucas his phone back so he can keep looking at the pictures.</p><p>''I look happy.'' Lucas sighs as he looks at the pictures ''I don't know if I could ever be like that again.''</p><p>Eliott puts his hand on Lucas' arm but Lucas shifts slightly before looking at Eliott.</p><p>''Sorry, this is weird. I'm sorry. It must be horrible for you too, but it's so weird. Sorry.''</p><p>Eliott smiles and nods.</p><p>''Don't worry about it, it's okay. We like weird."</p><p> Lucas continues browsing through the photos, blushing when he sees some rather suggestive photos of them, naked in their bed.</p><p>''I guess we already have...''</p><p>Lucas' cheeks become even redder as he looks at Eliott without daring to ask clearly. It's so weird to see Lucas shy like that, so Eliott just nods. Lucas looks away a little, looking at his hands instead.</p><p>''How we...Am I the... Is that sometimes it's me who..."</p><p>Eliott looks at him with a smile on his face. Is he dreaming or is Lucas asking him for their roles?</p><p>''No, forget it. It was stupid. It's just so weird to imagine that I've already... with you. Do you know if you were my first? Did I am goo...No, you know what, never mind. Forget it."</p><p>Eliott hesitates for two seconds, wondering what to do, but he ends up putting his hand on Lucas'.</p><p>''We're not doing anything wrong, Lucas. We're in love, and yes, we're making love, and it's just wonderful. And to answer your questions, yes, I'm your first, yes you're really good and no, we don't have a predefined role. We just make love the way we want to, that's all. You and me, it's just love."</p><p>Lucas nods, with scarlet cheeks.</p><p>''So...uh...Why are you in love with me?''</p><p>Eliott smiles a little more, gently caressing the top of Lucas' hand.</p><p>''Because you're perfect, Lucas. You're sweet and funny and caring. Even when you're grumble, you're adorable. You are a really sensitive person and I like that. And I like that you are so passionate about what you do, even if it also means that sometimes you yell instead of talking calmly. You are stubborn and I like that you stand up to me, even if it means you don't want me to come into our kitchen. You never let anyone decide for you. You make me feel important just by the way you look at me. You make me feel like you're still in love with me, even when I do something stupid. When I'm in your arms, I have the feeling that nothing bad can happen to me anymore and when you play the piano, you'll''</p><p>''Did I play for you?'' Lucas cuts him off ''I haven't played for years.''</p><p>Eliott retrieves his phone and launches a video of Lucas playing with Alexia and Yann for the music finals exams.</p><p>''You played for me right after we met, and you've been playing ever since, even for your friends. You took the music option at the finals exams and got 18. They should have given you a 20. Sometimes at night you play while I draw and it's just perfect."</p><p>Lucas smiles, watching the video again.</p><p>"I love to play, but nobody knows it. I mean, nobody knew. Except my mom. Do you know her?"</p><p>Eliott nods.</p><p>''Of course I do. I often come with you to see her.I went to see her yesterday, she was happy even though she missed you. She's fine but she's just getting out of a difficult phase, so her doctor says it's better to wait a little while before you tell her what's going on with you. I just told her you had a bad cold."</p><p>Lucas frowns as he looks at Eliott.</p><p>''You went to see my mom while she's in a mental hospital?''</p><p>Eliott nods, not coming back from Lucas' amazement. So he has to remember that Lucas is stuck in his head at a time in his life when he thought he had to solve his problems on his own and that he could only rely on himself.</p><p>''Yes, I figured you'd like me to take care of her while you can't.''</p><p>Lucas starts crying and Eliott can't resist anymore, he puts his arms around him. Lucas' whole body contracts but doesn't push Eliott away.</p><p>''I'm sorry. You look so perfect. Why don't I remember you? I wish I could remember you so much and just be happy like in the pictures. How could I forget you? How could I forget all this?"</p><p>Eliott shrugs his shoulders, caressing Lucas' cheek.</p><p>''Don't worry, babe, it's okay. It's all gonna be okay. We're moving forward minute by minute, okay?"</p><p>Lucas steps back slightly and Eliott doesn't miss the quick glance he casts on his lips so he nods gently, without breaking their gaze. </p><p>Maybe if they kiss, Lucas will remember.</p><p>But a little voice in Eliott's head can't help but whisper that it might be too easy, right?</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ready for the roller coaster? 😈</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Remember what you felt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks again to all of you who took the time to write to me. I love to see how my stories touch you. Thank you so much.</p><p>For the record, if some people notice that I changed the number of chapters, don't worry, I didn't change my story, I just realized that I had put the wrong number.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>''I came as soon as I could.''</p><p>Lucas is startled and recoils while Eliott groans in frustration. Fuck, it's even worse than the day Manon interrupted them after the clandestine party in high school. It's like the universe is conspiring to make them abort their first kiss again and it's fucking frustrating.</p><p>Lucas looks at the door, seems to be thinking and then points at it with a smile.</p><p>''Boubou!''</p><p>Basile bursts out laughing as he goes forward to hug Lucas.</p><p>''I'm glad you remember me, Lucas. But do you know my real name?''</p><p>Lucas thinks so much that it looks like it hurts and then shakes his head.</p><p>''Don't worry, I'm glad you remember me. That's what my grandfather called me, remember? We went on vacation to his farm.''</p><p>Lucas shakes his head, lost and Eliott just wants to be able to hold him again.</p><p>''No, but I remember you.'' Lucas says softly ''It came back to me when I saw your picture. We used to eat together, I think it was in high school. You said something to me.''</p><p>Basile nods with a smile, sitting on the bed.</p><p>''We ate lunch together every day in high school, Lucas. And even now, we're in prep college, Yann, Arthur, you and I."</p><p>Lucas nods without stopping frowning.</p><p>''You told me something important. I remember that it touched me because it was something I didn't know about you. That's right, you told us something we didn't know about you, Basile. Basile! Fuck, your name is Basile!''</p><p>Basile nods with a smile, jumping for joy on the spot.</p><p>''Fuck, yes! That's crazy. Why do you remember me, Lucas?  Oh, my God, I'm so honored that you remember me. What was I saying?"</p><p>Eliott looks at Basile and he can't help but be hurt. Why would Lucas remember Basile and not him? He can't help but be jealous of that, and he wants to know what Basile has more than he does so that Lucas will remember him.</p><p>''I don't know. I can see you, you weren't actually in front of me. You were next to Yann. Fuck, yes, Yann was there too. You were laughing while I was being very serious."</p><p>Basile starts giggling and smiling.</p><p>"Yeah, that sounds like me, bro. But I don't know what exact moment you're talking about. We've been buddies for over two years, we've eaten together an incredible number of times. We talk about everything and have a good laugh, the four of us : The gang."</p><p>Eliott knows that Basile says it to try to make Lucas react but it doesn't work. Instead, Lucas shakes his head. </p><p>''No, you were talking to me. Not to the others. Yann was there, he told me I was stupid. But you gave me hope. Fuck yes, you said something that reassured me. I have it. I fucking know I have it."</p><p>Lucas closes his eyes, holding his forehead, tears running down the corners of his eyes. Eliott and Basile look at each other without moving, not really knowing what to do.</p><p>''Lucas, it's not that important.''</p><p>Lucas is holding his forehead, moaning.</p><p>''Yes, it's important. I fucking know it's there, inside me."</p><p>''Was that advice?'' asks Basile.</p><p>"Yes, damn it, I got it" Lucas exclaims, shouting, "You said : ''Just because he's bipolar doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything, it's the opposite.'' You told me to go for it and believe it. Why the fuck do I remember that? Who were we talking about? Did my mother's diagnosis change? Tell me I'm not inventing anything. Your mom. Your mom is bipolar. That's why you helped me. Fuck Baz, tell me this is real."</p><p>Eliott wipes his eyes, blaming himself for being so weak while Basile looks at Lucas, completely hallucinated.</p><p>''Fuck, yes! Yes Lucas, it's real. My mom's bipolar, just like...uh...''</p><p>Basile looks at Eliott, not knowing what he's allowed to say. Eliott shrugs his shoulders and then looks at Lucas. He looks so lost, waiting for the answers to his questions and it breaks Eliott's heart to see him like that. So fuck it, so much for the doctors' opinion, all that matters is helping Lucas.</p><p>''Me. You were talking about me." Eliott said softly, "You'd just been through my first manic episode. I rented. Well, no, I illegally borrowed a barge where we spent the night. We ate chips and ham and talked about our wedding day, It ws so perfect. But in the middle of the night, I left, totally naked. You called my ex-girlfriend and she told you I was bipolar. I'm bipolar. But I'm better now, thanks to you."</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott, blinking, seemingly in shock. But finally he takes a breath and elbows Eliott.</p><p>''It's fucking huge. If you loved me, why didn't you tell me you were bipolar?"</p><p>Eliott smiles.</p><p>''You were already having a hard time dealing with your mother's illness, I didn't want to overwhelm you. I thought I could cope and hide it from you, but it was really stupid. I was 18 years old and I was afraid it would take you away from me."</p><p>Lucas looks at him before he smiles.</p><p>''Wow, but you're old then.''</p><p>Basile starts laughing and Eliott finds a slight smile.</p><p>''I turned 20 in June. But you're actually 18. I'm not that old.''</p><p>''And do you have an ex-girlfriend? Aren't you gay?</p><p>Eliott smiles a little more.</p><p>''No, I'm pan. But even though you're gay, you also had an ex-girlfriend. We were both in couples with them before we met together."</p><p>Lucas sighs holding his head.</p><p>''I'm tired of all this. It's so much to take in. I feel like I'm in the middle of a nightmare. It's a lot."</p><p>Basile hugs him gently.</p><p>''Don't worry Lulu, we're here. Can Arthur come this afternoon?"</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders and Basile shows him a picture of Arthur but Lucas does not recognize him.</p><p>"And Mika? Did you try to get Mika to come? Maybe this will help you remember."</p><p>''I know Mika. He's Manon's gay roommate. Is he always this exuberant? Oh, no, don't let him come, he's so tiresome. I'm sure I've got quite a headache with him. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I have to be friends with him. I'm not like him : putting on makeup, wearing cross-dressing and screaming at the gay pride parade."</p><p>Basile starts laughing and Lucas looks at him.</p><p>''What? Did I do it?"</p><p>Basile nods his head and smiles.</p><p>"We all did it, Lulu. It was just awesome! And you loved it! Look.''</p><p>Eliott moves closer to see what Basile is showing him. In fact, it's Lucas' instagram page, and he clicks on the 2019 Pride picture. </p><p>''I'm really living my best life,bis" Lucas whispers.</p><p>He scrolls through the photos and then stops with a sigh.</p><p>''Do I really let you steal my fries? I must really be in love with you for that."</p><p>Lucas stops and Eliott knows he's watching the mini-film of them. It's not like he doesn't know his boyfriend's Insta account by heart... Lucas smiles and then looks at him smiling.</p><p>''We look really happy. I didn't think I could ever be like that. I look really...''</p><p>''Weird?'' asks Eliott, smiling.</p><p>Lucas chuckles then shakes his head.</p><p>''No, I was going to say liberated.''</p><p>Lucas looks at the screen again, dropping a ''Damn, you look really beautiful in this picture'' which makes Eliott smile even more and makes Basile giggle.</p><p>Lucas continues scrolling through the photos and then focuses on one photo. He closes his eyes, seeming to reflect and then his face becomes painful. He lets go of the phone which falls back on his bed, showing a picture of him and Mika. He seems lost then suddenly and looks at Eliott frowning. </p><p>''I was crying on his couch because of... Fuck, I... Fuck, I felt so lonely.''</p><p>Lucas starts crying and Eliott comes over to take him in his arms but Lucas pushes him away.</p><p>''No. That was because of you. I remember, I said "Eliott doesn't give a shit about me.'' What the fuck did you do to make me suffer like that? Why does it hurt so much?''</p><p>Eliott's totally decomposing. The doctor told him that sometimes the memory of emotions and feelings come back before the memory itself, so even though it's supposed to be a positive sign that Lucas remembers what he felt, it's just awful to see him cry like that and know it's because of him.</p><p>''I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's a long way off.''</p><p>Lucas shakes his head crying, pushing Eliott away as he tries to hug him. </p><p>''No. You did it again. I've felt that several times. I cried because you slammed the door and walked away. I hit a wall. I cried in the shower. I was so angry with you. Fuck yeah, I was so angry. You didn't believe me, it hurt me so much."</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott with guns instead of eyes and throws his phone at him.</p><p>''It doesn't fucking mean anything. In your pictures, we smile and look happy but it wasn't true. You made me suffer. Several times. I don't want that. Who would want that? Get out of my room with your lies. I don't want you to ever again''</p><p>''He makes you incredibly happy, Lucas.'' Basile cuts him off ''You've never been happier than since you two are together.''</p><p>Lucas shakes his head, holding his chest. </p><p>''It hurts like hell.''</p><p>Basile gently strokes his arm up and down, smiling at him.</p><p>''That's what love is. It hurts, but it's worth it."</p><p>Lucas shakes his head, struggling to breathe.</p><p>''No, it really hurts.''</p><p>The monitors start screaming in the room as Lucas loses consciousness and a flood of nurses push Eliott and Basile out of the room.</p><p>They wait in the hallway without a word. Eliott wants to run. He wants to get out of here. But he already has to make sure Lucas is okay. So he waits. After long unbearable minutes, the nurses come out, and the doctor comes to Eliott.</p><p>''He's fine, don't worry. It was a rise in blood pressure. He needs to rest, but he's going to be okay. He's been given a sedative.The nurses say he's not getting enough sleep.''</p><p>''He started remembering things," says Basile with a huge smile and Eliott wonders how he can smile like that ''He began to remember."</p><p>The doctor looks at Eliott who confirms and nods back.</p><p>''It's a really good omen but you really have to take it easy. I'd like you to wait for the psychologist to see him before you see him again. When the memory comes back, patients often have panic attacks and you really have to try to avoid that. Eliott, are you all right?"</p><p>Eliott shakes his head with tears in his eyes.</p><p>"I'm sorry, I can't make him suffer like this anymore. Take good care of him."</p><p>Basile tries to hold him back but Eliott pushes him away and runs.</p><p>He runs without stopping until he is on the street. He looks at the hospital one last time and runs away. </p><p>He can't stay and make Lucas suffer any longer. For Lucas' sake, he has to go as far away as possible.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Remember that you want it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Eliott hits the bridge pier again with the back of his head and then rests his head in his arms crying, ignoring his phone which vibrates incessantly. He can't say how long he's been there because time stopped the day of Lucas' accident.</p><p>His whole fucking life stopped on the day of the accident and frankly Eliott doesn't see how his life could continue when Lucas will never come back to him. </p><p>Nothing will ever be the same again.</p><p>Because it's pretty fucking clear that Lucas will never come back to him. He will never be able to wake up next to him again. He'll never be able to bury his nose in his hair to smell him and feel instantly reassured. He will never be able to touch him, kiss him, tell him he loves him. </p><p>It's as if Lucas is dead when he's alive only a few miles away. </p><p>He's alive but he doesn't want Eliott in his life. Eliott really thought that Arthur was right and that he would have succeeded in making him fall in love with him again, but clearly this is not the case at all and it will never happen. Lucas hates him, and is even afraid of him. He's afraid to suffer again and it's clear he's right, because Eliott will make him suffer again if he comes near him.</p><p>Eliott finishes the bottle crying before throwing it and watching it explode into pieces. The sound of the exploding bottle makes him feel as if his heart is reduced to a thousand pieces and he even holds his chest during the shock.</p><p>He kicks the empty bottles next to him, suddenly feeling guilty. If Lucas, his Lucas would see him now, he would be so disappointed. </p><p><em>Are you afraid of what Lucas would say? Don't be afraid.</em> Lola's voice resounds in his head and Eliott pulls out his hair as if to extract it.</p><p>''I'm not afraid!'' screams Eliott, standing in the darkness of the night.</p><p>He's no longer afraid. You can't be afraid when you've lost everything. Lucas will never be his and he will never be Lucas'. He's alone. Lucas told him that it wouldn't happen, and yet here it is: he's alone in the darkness.</p><p>Eliott lets himself slide along the wall and hits the bridge pier again with the back of his head and then looks at the ring that mocks him with his left hand. Should he take it off? Does this ring have any meaning now?</p><p>"Eliott?"</p><p>He gives a scream of rage before raising his head.</p><p>"Eliott? Come on, bro-in-law."</p><p>Eliott pushes Yann away, when he tries to touch him and stands up, shooting him with his eyes, making one of the bottles fall at his feet.</p><p>''What the hell are you doing here? How the fuck did you find me?"</p><p>Yann looks at Eliott and the bottles around him, putting his hands in front of him as if he was afraid of Eliott.</p><p>"Lucas told me that I would find you here. When Arthur had his accident, Lucas told me that if something happened to him one day, you would come here. He didn't want you to be alone, and I promised him I take care of you."</p><p>Eliott starts crying and Yann pulls him in his arms.</p><p>''It's going to be okay. He remembers Basile and certain emotions. The doctor says it's a really good sign. He thinks the amnesia will go away in the next few days. We have to keep stimulating him, but it's going to work, Eliott, he's going to remember, okay?''</p><p>Eliott shakes his head against Yann's shoulder.</p><p>''He only remembers that I hurt him. He hates me, and I hate me too. I have to stay away from him. I'm going to let him go on with his life, without me."</p><p>Yann pushes Eliott away so violently that he hits his back against the bridge.</p><p>''Oh, what are you doing, man? You're dumping him? Don't tell me you're breaking up with him because it's hard?"</p><p>''He doesn't want me.'' Eliott shouts ''It's not hard: He doesn't want me.''</p><p>Yann shakes his head, looking Eliott in the eyes.</p><p>"He wants you, damn it. He's totally fucking in love with you, he just has to remember that, okay? Give him time, but don't go away. If you love him, don't leave. You know he can't live without you. You can't abandon him!"</p><p>"I can't force him to love me, Yann! Do you understand that?"</p><p>Eliott collapses in tears and Yann holds him against him. He doesn't really know how they got back to the apartment, but as soon as he walks through his bedroom door, Eliott lies in their bed crying, letting his darkest thoughts invade his head. </p><p>He had told him. He had warned him. He told him he would make him suffer. And that's all Lucas can remember about them: how much Eliott made him suffer. How angry he made him. How he disappointed him. How he was a horrible boyfriend.</p><p>That's all Eliott thinks about. He hears the voices around him, he feels presences in his room but can't even tell who's next to him. All he knows is that it's not Lucas. And soon, he's even too tired to open his eyes. With each breath, it's as if hundreds of daggers were piercing him at the same time, leaving him unable to think of anything but pain.</p><p>He felt himself falling. He hadn't been taking his medication properly since the accident, too preoccupied with Lucas' health to think about his own. He felt he was falling. And he could have avoided it. At least alleviate it. But what's the point? What's the point of fighting if it's not for Lucas? So he just let the disease take over, helping him gain ground by drinking too much. He deserves it anyway. He deserves to suffer as much as he made Lucas suffer.</p><p>After suffering comes emptiness. He stays with his eyes open to the emptiness, no longer feeling anything. He is neither sad nor angry. He no longer feels anything. He is empty. He is alone. There are people revolving around him but he is alone. He knew it would end like this. He deserves it anyway. </p><p>So Eliott just lies there, staring at the wall without seeing it, wanting to stay like that until the end.</p><p>But unfortunately, his brain is not as screwed as he thought it was, probably because for 2 years now he has stopped the excesses, except for that fucking evening with Lola, so one day the voices around him are not only noise anymore. One day he comes back to reality, but he doesn't want to because reality is just too hard to face.</p><p>''How long has he been off his medication?"</p><p>''He's been like this for more than a week.'' Basile answers ''But he's going to be fine. My mom has been through worse, and so has he. Don't worry, you just have to be there for him."</p><p>"What about Lucas?"</p><p>''He gets out of the hospital Thursday morning. He's going to go live with Yann for now."</p><p>Eliott moans. He would have preferred not to hear that. A hand rests on his back and he knows immediately that it is Lola's.</p><p>''It's going to be all right, Eliott. I went to see him and he definitely remembers me. He told me I was a self-centered bitch and that he would never forgive me for what I did when he couldn't even say what I did. For now he only remembers the negative emotions but it's a good start. He remembers hitting Arthur but he doesn't know why. He remembers being afraid of disappointing Daphne because she had asked him to do something important and he remembers being angry with Imane because she wouldn't tell him something about her brother when he doesn't even know what Imane's brother's name is.''</p><p>''He remembers you.'' Basile said softly ''It's all about you, damn it. His anger against Lola, the time he hit Arthur, the fresco, Idriss. It's all about you. It will come, Eliott. Don't lose hope. The doctor says he just has to have a trigger to rekindle the joy and happy moments. You know our Lulu, he's the king of grumblers, it was obvious that he would remember that first, but it will come, Eliott.''</p><p>Eliott closes his eyes while Lola continues to rub his back.</p><p>''Come on, Eliott. Your Lucas is here. I promise you he'll be back. It can't be any other way."</p><p>Lola and Basile leave the bedroom and Eliott falls asleep again, in a sleep full of nightmares, which seem less frightening than reality.</p><p>It is a light blow to his shoulder that wakes him up. Eliott opens his eyes and grunts as soon as he sees Lola's maternal smile, who hands him his medication and a glass of water. </p><p>Eliott turns around in bed, hiding his face under his blanket, but Lola goes around the bed and pulls the blanket.</p><p>''Go Eliott, damn it! That's enough now! You're the one who told me we had to fight! Don't give up! Take your fucking meds! You gotta get better, Lucas needs you."</p><p>Eliott grabs the glass of water and throws it against the bedroom wall. He looks at the pieces of glass that fall on the floor before going back to bed. </p><p>His heart is exactly like the glass: broken into a thousand pieces, scattered on the floor.</p><p>Lola tries to sit on the bed next to him but Eliott stands up and pushes her. He gets up from the bed just so he can open the bedroom door and push Lola out, shouting at her.</p><p>''Get out! Fuck ! I don't want see you! I don't want see anyone! I just want to get it over with."</p><p>Lola shakes her head, trying to push Eliott away.</p><p>''We won't leave you alone! Do you hear what you're saying?"</p><p>Eliott shakes his head, pushing her out of the fucking room.</p><p>''I don't want to see you! Get the fuck out of my house! Get out!!''</p><p>He screams as loud as he can, a scream of rage that comes from deep inside him and Lola leaves the room with her hands over her ears. Eliott slams the door behind her and then sits on the bed, head in his hands. He moans when the door opens again.</p><p>"Leave me alone!" Eliott yells "Get out ! Leave me alone!"</p><p>''Let you do what? You think we're going to let you suffer alone? Letting you kill yourself slowly? We're here for you, bro. Lucas wouldn't want you to hurt yourself like this."</p><p>"Don't speak for him!" Eliott yells out. "He doesn't care about me! Our love is dead! I've lost him. I've lost everything. He's not coming back. Leave me. Let me get it over with."</p><p>"No way!''</p><p>Arthur looks him in the eye and removes his hearing aids, which he puts on the bedside table before coming to take Eliott in his arms, holding him.</p><p>Eliott immediately starts to scream, tears pouring down his cheeks, trying to fight as hard as he can.</p><p>''Let go of me! Let go of me! I don't want to! I want to die! Let go of me!"</p><p>Arthur holds him without ever loosening his grip and Eliott ended up falling asleep sobbing.</p><p>What's the sense of fighting when you have no reason to live? Why doesn't anyone seem to understand that life doesn't matter anymore if Lucas isn't at his side?</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Remember that we need each other</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>When he regains consciousness of himself, Eliott is lying in their bed. He always has this reflex, when he wakes up to reach out his hand to touch the place where Lucas should sleep. Lucas hasn't slept in this bed for several weeks, yet when Eliott wakes up, he reaches out to touch this place. </p><p>And of course, the space is empty. </p><p>Eliott sighs, while the sound of the closet door startled him. He opens his eyes and discovers Yann who takes Lucas' things and puts them in a bag. It is probably him who woke up Eliott when he entered the room. Eliott closes his eyes, don't want to see that, it's too hard. </p><p>And, there, Eliott's heart misses a beat. Because he has just heard a note played on the piano. A second note sounds and Eliott starts crying. Lucas is right next door in their living room and yet he is already far away.</p><p>Eliott tightens the blanket around him, bending over, sobbing as quietly as he can. He feels the mattress sag next to him and before he can turn around, he feels a hand resting on his shoulder.</p><p>"Eliott."</p><p>Lucas' voice is soft but trembling. As if he is apologizing. Eliott does not dare to move. He doesn't want Lucas to say goodbye to him. He won't have the strength to watch him leave. So he doesn't move, not even daring to breathe.</p><p>"Lulu, are you ready?"</p><p>Eliott wants to kill Yann to dare to take Lucas away from him, and he wants to thank him for taking care of him. Lucas' hand leaves his shoulder and Eliott starts crying, trying not to make him hear, but not being able to be totally silent. </p><p>This time it's over. His Lucas goes away.</p><p>''No, Yann. I can't do it. I'm staying here. I'm sorry."</p><p>Eliott turns around to look at Lucas. He's all blurry from the tears, but there he is, still sitting on the corner of their bed.</p><p>''I think I belong here. I can't leave him like this. It's...I don't know. I can't, Yann."</p><p>''Do you want me to stay in the living room?''</p><p>Lucas looks at him and shakes his head.</p><p>''No. I just have to stay here. It's gonna be okay, I know he won't hurt me."</p><p>Lucas gently caresses Eliott's cheek, drying the tears as their bedroom door closes.</p><p>They stay at least five minutes in complete silence, just looking at each other. Eliott even wonders if he isn't hallucinating because it looks like it.</p><p>"Can I lie down?"</p><p>Eliott nods his head, watching Lucas lie down in front of him. He looks stressed and lost, but he doesn't look angry. </p><p>Eliott clings to his blanket, folded up around him while Lucas looks at him. Their faces are so close that their noses would touch if they moved, and it reminds him so much of their first moments together.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Lucas says softly "It's hard for me. I feel like I'm broken. Everybody tells me we are happy and all I remember is being hurt or angry. It's really difficult. I feel like everyone is lying to me when it's my head that's doing it. I can't remember anything but pain, anger or sadness and it makes me feel like I have a horrible life with you.''</p><p>Eliott swallows and gently nods his head.</p><p>''Well, then why are you here?''</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders before caressing Eliott's cheek.</p><p>''I don't know. I can't leave you like this. I... I know I need to be here. I can't help it. Can I... Can I hold you?"</p><p>Eliott nods his head and Lucas removes the scarf that was holding his plaster arm against his belly before opening his arms, letting Eliott snuggle up against him. Eliott lets go of the blanket and clings to Lucas' t-shirt while Lucas strokes his hair. And it's because of this gesture that Eliott is now certain to know who is in a hallucinatory phase. He's only had hallucinations twice in one episode, and each time it felt so real but surreal at the same time. </p><p>Exactly like now.</p><p>Before his episode, Lucas would spit in his face and scream at him to leave, so it's totally impossible for him to really be there, holding him in his arms and stroking his hair. But for now, Eliott doesn't care. Even if it's not true, it gives him a little bit of comfort. So for once, Eliott thanks his shot brain while laying his head against this fake Lucas. </p><p>When he wakes up, he's still lying on him and Lucas' cast arm rests on his back. Eliott knows that hallucinations never last long and that the moment he leaves this bed, Lucas will disappear but he is not ready to do so. So he closes his eyes and sighs.</p><p>If he pretends it's real, will it become real? Can he continue to live in this unreal universe where Lucas is there for him, even if he knows it's only in his head? Has he really gone completely crazy now?</p><p>When Eliott wakes up the next time, he is lying in front of Lucas and Lucas looks at him with a sweet look. </p><p>''You have a stunning look. I think I understand why I fell in love with you at first sight."</p><p>Eliott blinks and caresses Lucas' cheek. It feels so real it really hurts. </p><p>''You're the one of us with the amazing look in your eyes. When I look at your eyes, I see the sea and the sky. When I look at your eyes, I see the whole universe. You are my universe, Lucas."</p><p>Lucas smiles, moving slightly to get on his back.</p><p>''Do you think in another universe I never had this accident? What do you think we do now?"</p><p>Eliott shrugs his shoulders. </p><p>''We were supposed to go on vacation to Basile's grandfather's house, so I guesst that we're out there chasing chickens.''</p><p>Lucas looks at him, frowning.</p><p>''I see us again at the farm. Vaguely. I remember that you were sad. Really sad. You said you would never go back there again."</p><p>Eliott smiles.</p><p>''Yeah, that was the first day. I wanted to bring a rabbit home, and I had even managed to convince you. He was so sweet. Fifi. But that same evening, Basile's grandfather stood the rabbit up on the table, like a piece of meat. That was our dinner."</p><p>Lucas, or at least the Lucas invented by Eliott's brain, starts laughing. A laughter with an open throat that makes Eliott cry. Because he knows he'll never hear the real Lucas laugh like that again.</p><p>"Shit, I'm sorry," says Lucas, taking him in his arms, as best he can because of his cast. "It's just that I was imagining the scene. You must have been so disappointed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm laughing."</p><p>Lucas kisses his forehead, squeezes it a little tighter, wiping his tears with his thumb.</p><p>''I'm sorry, don't cry. I don't like to see you cry. I don't like to see you like this. It hurts me to see you like this."</p><p>Eliott sighs. He was sure that his unconscious would invent a Lucas for him to motivate him to get better.</p><p>''I'm sorry, but life isn't worth living if you're not here.''</p><p>Lucas pulls on Eliott's chin to force him to look at him.</p><p>''I'm here, Eliott. I'm here, okay? It's still weird, but I don't want to be anywhere else. I need to be with you to get better and I want you to get better. I'm here, you're not alone anymore.''</p><p>Eliott sighs, burying his head in Lucas' neck.</p><p>''I know you're not here, Lucas. I know I'm hallucinating.''</p><p>Lucas shakes him slightly, pinching him in places, grimacing because it seems to hurt him to move his cast arm so much.</p><p>''Oh! I'm here, Eliott! I'm not a hallucination.''</p><p>Eliott looks at him without believing it and then looks at his medication on the bedside table.</p><p>''If I take this, I know you'll disappear.''</p><p>Eliott knows that if he takes his strongest antipsychotics, which the doctor prescribes only for difficult episodes, he will fall asleep and when he wakes up, his hallucinations will be gone. Lucas will have disappeared.</p><p>''Take them, and you'll see that I'll always be here. I promise.''</p><p>If Lucas wasn't a hallucination, he would be taking the medication and handing it to Eliott. But as he's not really there, he just looks at the meds with his eyes before looking defiantly at Eliott.</p><p>Eliott leans over to him and gently kisses him. He knows it's not true, but he might as well enjoy it to the end. It's amazing what a crazy brain can make you feel, deceiving all the senses in your body. Eliott really feels like he can taste Lucas' lips, feel his hand touching his cheek and hear him moaning softly. It's a sweet, tender and warm kiss that makes him want to stay in denial longer. But he knows he can't do it.</p><p>Eliott hugs Lucas, reaching for the medicine on the bedside table before swallowing it. Lucas hugs him while he falls asleep and Eliott sobs because he knows he won't see him anymore. </p><p>When he regains consciousness of himself, Eliott is lying in their bed. He always has this reflex when he wakes up to reach out his hand to touch where Lucas should be sleeping. Lucas hasn't slept in this bed for several weeks, yet when Eliott wakes up, he reaches out to touch this place. </p><p>And of course, the space is empty.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Remember you love me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Eliott sighs, tears at the edges of his eyes when the door opens, making him startle. He immediately sits down on the bed, holding sobs in his chest.</p><p>''Oh Eliott. Sorry, I was in the restroom. How do you manage not to go for so long?"</p><p>Eliott's always gawking, looking at Lucas like he's seeing a ghost. </p><p>''I told you I was real. Plus I read that people who have hallucinations don't realize it right away, so just because you were wondering if I was a hallucination or not, you should've realized that I wasn't."</p><p>Lucas smiles shyly, closing the door behind him.</p><p>"It must be scary not seeing the difference between reality and what your brain is making up. Although that's kind of what's happening to me too. So... You often have hallucinations?"</p><p>Eliott lets go of the air he was holding back and shakes his head.</p><p>"No, I've only had hallucinations a couple of times before, a long time ago, when I wasn't taking my meds and I smoked way too much weed. But why did you stay? Are you really here?"</p><p>Lucas nods with a gentle smile as he sits on a corner of the desk.</p><p>''I came to pick up some stuff with Yann. I thought I'd go to his place for a while, just to take stock of things, and then I saw you and I don't know. I just couldn't leave you. I needed to be there for you. It's like I couldn't help myself. Do I have the right to live here?"</p><p>Eliott looks at him and smiles softly at him.</p><p>''Of course, this is your home as much as mine, here. Do you want me to leave? I can give you some space and"</p><p>Lucas immediately shakes his head.</p><p>''No. No. I would like to... "</p><p>Lucas sighs before looking at Eliott.</p><p>''I thought a lot about it in the hospital. I know I'm the one who told you to go, but I missed you. I missed your drawings. I know I've been horrible to you and I understand if you hate me but I'd like to get to know you, I'd like to be friends. I know you want more from me but right now that's all I can give you. I'm not ready for anything else."</p><p>Eliott nods as he gets out of bed to face Lucas.</p><p>''First of all, you have to know that I could never hate you. I know this is all very difficult for you. I understand that you want to get to know me better, that's fine with me. Anything's better than not having you in my life. Thanks for staying, babe. Shit. Sorry. Lucas."</p><p>He reaches out his hand to Lucas and he looks at him with a smile.</p><p>''I'm Eliott.''</p><p>Lucas smiles even more before shaking his hand, almost laughing. They leave the bedroom at the same time and Eliott immediately goes to the bathroom, but he hears Lucas going into the kitchen, as if he had always lived here. And it's just unbelievable. Lucas is really here.</p><p>And it's there, only there that he realizes that he kissed Lucas. It was real. Shit. It was their second first kiss and Eliott totally ruined it, not even being fully aware of what he was doing, taking Lucas by surprise. Lucas must have kissed him more out of pity than envy and that's a really bad first kiss.</p><p>Eliott looks at himself in the mirror and sighs before going into the shower. The hot water burns his skin but it makes him feel alive again. He thinks of Lucas, who is right next door, who stayed for him.</p><p>
  <em>I can't leave you like this. I know I need to be here.It hurts me to see you like this. I don't want to be anywhere else. I need to be with you to get better and I want you to get better. I think I understand why I fell in love with you at first sight. I'm here, you're not alone anymore.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>Oh shit, this was all really real then? Eliott's heart could explode, so badly it's upsetting him. Lucas is here. Maybe they will be okay after all. Maybe they will fall in love again and be fine even though Lucas never remembers their good times.</p><p>When he comes out of the bathroom, just dressed in his towel, Eliott notices right away that Lucas is looking at him and it makes him smile. Lucas immediately turns his head away, his cheeks scarlet and Eliott realizes that he will have to impose new rules on himself, like not walking around here half-naked anymore. </p><p>"I'm going to get dressed."</p><p>Lucas has prepared a dinner for them and they eat in front of each other. It's so weird to feel like a stranger to the person who knows you best in the world.</p><p>''If I ask you a question, even if it's difficult, can you promise to be honest?"</p><p>Eliott nods as he sits on the couch, with Lucas sitting across from him.</p><p>''Of course, Lucas, I promise you. By the way, I told you my first episode without taking away the embarrassing details. I don't want to hide anything from you."</p><p>Lucas nods gently with a small smile.</p><p>''Okay, thanks.''</p><p>Eliott was expecting Lucas to ask him questions, but he just looks at him silently. He finally gets up and walks around the apartment, looking at the objects and photos. He grabs Eliott's vinyls and puts one on before he jumps out laughing.</p><p>''Fuck, tell me that's yours. If you don't, then I've really gone bad."</p><p>Eliott starts laughing and gets up to turn the volume down. No need to remind Lucas that their neighbors hate them for being too loud.</p><p>''Yeah, that's mine, but you're getting used to it."</p><p>Lucas smiles with a shrug before he touches the piano keyboard. He sits on the piano bench and plays with his right hand, sighing, probably because he wants to play with both hands. </p><p>Eliott stops the record player and sits back on the couch to watch Lucas try to reclaim his house. From time to time Lucas looks at him, almost shyly, and it reminds him of their staring games at the beginning of their relationship. Except that this time there is neither Lucille nor Chloe between them, just a fucking black hole.</p><p>Finally they sit next to each other on the couch and watch TV. It is only when Lucas goes to sleep in their bedroom, Eliott having insisted that he is the one sleeping on the couch, that Eliott feels horribly lonely. </p><p>Lucas is there physically, but he is no longer his Lucas. And in order for him to become his Lucas again, he will have to win him back. So he's having a long time thinking about how to do that without feeling like he's trapping Lucas. Because he wants Lucas to be in love with him, he doesn't want him to stay because he feels like he has to stay.</p><p>''Eliott?''</p><p>Eliott is startled, turning to Lucas who is standing at the entrance of the living room, looking embarrassed.</p><p>''I know I said we could only be friends for now. But can we be friends who sleep together? I can't sleep. I...I slept so well in your arms earlier, I haven't...I don't thinkI've never slept so well before."</p><p>Eliott gets up so fast that he almost falls off the couch, making Lucas laugh. Eliott grabs his pillow and goes to his room with a big smile. He lies down in his bed, beckoning Lucas to come and lie down in front of him, and he makes him his little spoon, as Lucas loves. </p><p>''Thank you Eliott, I"</p><p>Lucas sighs, doesn't finish his sentence, but it doesn't matter. Eliott understands that. And he's happy because Lucas falls asleep less than two minutes later.</p><p>Eliott hesitates then puts a tiny kiss on Lucas' shoulder before burying his head in his hair and falling asleep.</p><p>When he wakes up, Lucas' hand holds his waist and they have changed direction. Eliott couldn't have a bigger smile, because they used to do that a lot before. Lucas always said that Eliott liked to be Lucas' little spoon despite his giraffe size and that he was probably the one who made them change direction once they were asleep.</p><p>Eliott gently caresses Lucas' hand that moves on his belly and Lucas squeezes himself against him, before moving backwards so quickly that he falls off the bed.</p><p>''Damn it, Eliott, I'm sorry.''</p><p>Eliott turns around and can't help but smile at Lucas' red face, embarrassed. Eliott doesn't know if he's embarrassed to have hugged Eliott or if it's because of his erection and he's certainly not going to ask.</p><p>''Don't worry, Lucas. It's fine."</p><p>Lucas gets up, his cheeks are red, and leaves the room mumbling excuses. Eliott sighs, not really knowing what to do so as not to aggravate Lucas' discomfort. He stays a few seconds in their bed and then decides to prepare breakfast.</p><p>''I thought you were banned from the kitchen.''</p><p>Eliott smiles as he turns around.</p><p>''Yeah. And since I decided not to recreate any atrocious memories of my food disasters, I just made coffee and took out a bun. No omelets, I promise."</p><p>Lucas sits down and smiles.</p><p>"You messed up an omelet?"</p><p>Eliott chuckles as he hands Lucas his coffee.</p><p>''You didn't like my cinnamon-fennel omelet. It was our first breakfast together as your flatshare, and you spit it in the sink, swearing I'd never cook again."</p><p>Lucas grinned as he looked up at the sky. </p><p>''I wonder why. Cinnamon? Really? I'm wondering how you convinced me to taste this, it looks awful.''</p><p>Eliott shrugs his shoulders with a smile and the silence falls again in their kitchen. Eliott takes a sip of coffee, almost to give himself courage.</p><p>''Are you okay, Lucas? Did you sleep well?"</p><p>Lucas nods, but his cheeks turn red almost instantly.</p><p>''Yeah. Sorry about this morning. It was"</p><p>''It's okay, Lucas. I know it's weird for you, but you don't have to be embarrassed with me. I've seen you do stuff that would make you blush up to your ears if I told you."</p><p>Lucas looks down at his cup, sighing into it, not convinced at all.</p><p>''Hey, I swear it's all right, Lucas, okay? If you want me to sleep on the couch I would, but I wish it wasn't because of this."</p><p>Lucas shakes his head immediately, hiding his red cheeks behind his cup.</p><p>''No. I slept really well. This is fucking horrible, I feel like I'm using you, I'm sorry."</p><p>Eliott chuckles as he steps back into his chair to point to himself with his hand.</p><p>''I'd love to be your human pillow, Lucas.''</p><p>Lucas bursts out laughing, half choking on his coffee.</p><p>''Are you serious? That's a pickup line? Oh, God, I hope you didn't hit on me like that."</p><p>Eliott laughs and sits down properly in front of Lucas.</p><p>''No, it was just to relax you. It's okay, Lucas, we're going at your pace, minute by minute."</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott with a huge smile that's really nice to see.</p><p>''Okay. Thank you for being so understanding. I don't know how you do it."</p><p>''I just love you, that's all. I want you to be happy."</p><p>Lucas nods with a smile before he looks at the mural hanging on their fridge.</p><p>''Do we have any favorite places? Could you take me there? Maybe that would help, right?"</p><p>All day on Friday, Eliott shows the different places that are important to them: They enter illegally in the high school and look at the mural that hasn't changed. They walk from the school to the flatshare and Eliott shows him the place where they almost kissed before Manon interrupted them. Eliott shows him his old apartment, and the place where Lucas waited, hoping that Eliott would see him. And then Eliott takes him under the bridge. He explains to him the story of Polaris and how they lived it in their own way. And he can't help but be disappointed when Lucas touches the bridge and lowers his head, himself disappointed. He knows Lucas well enough to know that he is really sad and that he really thought he would recover the memory of the beautiful things by coming here.</p><p>So they leave and Eliott takes him for a coffee at Mika's bar where all their friends meets them to hit the puching-ball and chat. Lucas seems rather comfortable among his friends and talks for a while with Mika before asking Eliott to return home. Everybody smiles when Lucas says "our home" and they both go home side by side. When they get home, Lucas sits on the couch, and they spend the rest of the evening huddled together on the couch in front of<em> Love, Simon</em>, Lucas explaining to him why he loves this movie and Eliott not pointing out that they've already had this conversation.</p><p>They spend the rest of the entire weekend just the two of them at home talking. It's mostly Eliott talking about what he likes, what he wants to do later, but he can see that Lucas avoids talking about their past, so Eliott doesn't bring it up. Maybe Lucas is right, maybe they need to move forward instead of trying to restore memories that may never come back.</p><p>On Sunday night, when they go to bed, Lucas huddles up with Eliott and intertwines their fingers before kissing the top of Eliott's hand.</p><p>''Thank you for today. I had a great day. For once I didn't feel like I was broken. I feel really good with you. I've never felt so good with anyone, even with Yann. You're here but I feel like I miss you. It's fucking weird...But I like weird."</p><p>Eliott shakes Lucas' hand in response, not daring to kiss his hair the way he wants.</p><p>''Are you fine with me?'' Lucas whispers.</p><p>Lucas looks up so he can look at Eliott and he's just too cute. It's so like him to worry like that, wondering if he's enough.</p><p>''Of course I'm fine with you, Lucas. I'm so happy to be able to sleep with you in my arms. A few days ago, I thought it would never happen again. I really had a wonderful weekend with you."</p><p>Lucas sighs as he rests his head against Eliott.</p><p>''It must be weird for you. Physically I'm the same, but I can't help but think that maybe you won't be in love with me when you see that I'm not really the same."</p><p>Eliott shakes his head, tightening his embrace around Lucas.</p><p>''It's not going to happen. I love you, Lucas, no matter what happens. Don't worry about me, okay?"</p><p>Lucas nods gently before he sighs.</p><p>''I want you to feel really good with me.''</p><p>Lucas lets go of his hand and gently caresses Eliott's belly before slipping his hand under his shirt, but Eliott stops him before he gets down under his boxers. Eliott takes Lucas' hand in his, taking it away from his lower belly.</p><p>''I don't want you to do this to please me, Lucas. I want us to take it slow, okay?"</p><p>Lucas sighs and Eliott kisses the top of his hand, whispering as for himself that they will be okay.</p><p>''We can be friends with benefits if you want.'' Lucas says softly ''It must be hard for you. I don't want you to go anywhere for"</p><p>Eliott shifts Lucas slightly to the side so that he can lie down in front of him and look at him. He gently caresses his cheek, but Lucas lowers his head to avoid his glance.</p><p>''I wouldn't go anywhere else for sex, okay? And no, I don't want to be your friend with benefits, I want to be your boyfriend, Lucas, but I know you need time and that's normal. So we could start by dating, couldn't we? You want to date me on Friday?"</p><p>Lucas looks up, visibly surprised and then takes a big smile.</p><p>''Are you asking me out on a date? Like, for real?"</p><p>Eliott smiles and nods, still caressing Lucas' cheek with his thumb.</p><p>''Oh yes, Eliott. Definitely. I'd love to."</p><p>Lucas has a beautiful smile on his face that warms Eliott's heart. Eliott kisses his forehead and Lucas comes closer, placing their foreheads against each other before closing his eyes. Eliott looks at him, listening to his breathing become more fluid and his features relax as he sinks into a deeper sleep.</p><p>"Good night, babe, I love you."</p><p>Lucas moans in his sleep so Eliott sighs and thinks about the best possible date to invite Lucas the following Friday. Nothing too big not to scare him, but he wants to make sure he makes Lucas happy.</p><p>He turns the ring around his finger. He doesn't know where Lucas' ring is, but it doesn't matter, if he gets the chance in the future, he'll give him another one. In the meantime, he only has to hope that he can find a place in Lucas' heart again. </p><p>Eliott tightens himself a little more against Lucas and falls asleep, hopes full of head.</p><p>The universe gives him a chance to make things right again with Lucas. No cheating. No unspoken words. No lies. No bullshit.</p><p>This time he won't ruin anything.</p><p>And now he can't wait to get to Friday.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Remember that everything in its place</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>On Sunday morning, Lucas said he wanted to go back to the prep college with his friends. Eliott was really happy because he prefers to know that Lucas is surrounded by his friends rather than alone at home and he missed too many classes to afford to stay home with Lucas. </p><p>So that Monday morning, when Yann comes to pick up Lucas, Eliott watches him leave before picking up his stuff on the desk and that's when he sees Lucas' phone.</p><p>''Lucas, wait, you forgot your phone.''</p><p>Eliott grabs the phone from the bedside table and catches up with Lucas as he begins to walk down the stairs. Lucas goes up two steps, takes his phone with a smile on his face and quickly kisses Eliott.</p><p>''Thanks. Have a nice day. See you tonight."</p><p>Lucas runs down the stairs to catch up with Yann and Eliott remains like an idiot, touching his lips, wondering if he has dreamt or not.</p><p>He spends the day thinking about that simple kiss. A stolen kiss that fills his heart with hope. He can't help wondering if Lucas consciously wanted to kiss him or if he realized it afterwards, blushing as he thinks back, or if he didn't think about it at all and won't even remember it.</p><p>When he comes home from the video store at 9pm, Lucas has already set up the table and a sweet smell fills the apartment. Lucas is stirring something in the pan and Eliott just wishes he could curl up next to him and kiss him on the neck. But instead, he knocks on the kitchen table, startling Lucas, who turns around and takes on a huge smile when Eliott hands him a bouquet of flowers.</p><p>"Is that for me?"</p><p>Eliott nods and Lucas' smile becomes even bigger even though it seemed impossible less than a minute ago.</p><p>"Thank you. I've never been offered flowers before. Thanks."</p><p>Lucas takes the bouquet, quickly stealing a kiss from Eliott's lips before smelling the bouquet and sighing.</p><p>''That's not fair. You know I love lilies, but I don't even know what your favorite flowers are."</p><p>Eliott smiles as he takes out a vase.</p><p>''Sunflowers. They look like mini suns. And even though they look dead sometimes, they get up when they see the sun. Yeah, I love sunflowers."</p><p>Lucas smiles and then smells the lilies again. Eliott knows that Lucas loves that particular smell because it reminds him of his mom. Lucas puts the flowers in the vase before coming to give Eliott a hug.</p><p>"Thank you so much."</p><p>He kisses him again before he crosses the kitchen to put out the fire under the pot, as if it was completely normal.</p><p>And finally, it becomes something between them. Sometimes Lucas kisses him when they wake up, when they leave each other, when they get together or when they go to bed and Eliott lets him. They are always quick stolen kisses, so Eliott never tries to deepen the kiss and especially he tries not to show that he is disappointed when Lucas doesn't kiss him.</p><p>And Friday comes...Eliott hasn't been this nervous in a long time.</p><p>Today, Lucas took off his cast. </p><p>1 month.</p><p>It's been 1 month since the accident.</p><p>One month that their lives are turned upside down and Eliott knows that they won't come back as they used to. Lucas has not made any progress in his memory since he left the hospital. He is under the care of a psychologist and neurologist but despite the exercises, the rest of his episodic memory is not coming back. His semantic memory is intact so Lucas remembers what he learned in class, general culture and current events. The first few days in class were tiring for him but he says it's going better than he thought.</p><p>Eliott has resumed classes and his work, but it is always with a heavy heart that he leaves Lucas, even though he knows that Lucas is rarely alone. And that's why he's not at all surprised when he comes home after class at 6:15 pm and he hears the whole gang laughing in the living room. Anyway, the guys know that at 8pm Lucas and Eliott have their first real date, for the second time, so he knows they won't be hanging around.</p><p>''Ah finally! We've been waiting for you" exclaims Lucas as he comes to meet him, putting a quick kiss on his lips before backing away, both hands behind his back. ''I have a gift for you, choose a hand.''</p><p>Eliott smiles as he takes off his jacket.</p><p>''I thought I was the one who asked you out tonight. It was more my role to cover you with gifts.''</p><p>Lucas is rolling his eyes, and Eliott loves it. He loves to see that Lucas' facial expressions are always the same.</p><p>''Okay, the right."</p><p>Lucas smiles as he hands him a bouquet of sunflowers, which makes Eliott's eyes shine.</p><p>''Oh. It's really nice. Thanks, babe."</p><p>Eliott hesitates and Lucas has to see him because he nods, getting up on his toes so that Eliott can kiss him. Eliott kisses him gently and lets his free hand go down along Lucas' left arm. He steps back only when he feels something in Lucas' hand.</p><p>Lucas smiles and shows him what he is holding.</p><p>"I actually had two presents. I found it when I was cleaning up this morning."</p><p>Eliott looks deep into Lucas' eyes and Lucas sighs as he looks up to the sky.</p><p>"Okay, while I searched our room. Anyway, I didn't have time to look at it before I left for class so I wanted to look at it with the guys but they say maybe it's not a good idea. Can we watch it before we go out? Please, Eli."</p><p>Eliott watches the DVD with a heavy heart and shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>''I don't know if this is the right time. Can we do this tomorrow?''</p><p>Eliott just doesn't want it to make Lucas sad or just weird and ruin their date. Lucas gives him a slight shoulder bump.</p><p>''Come on, please, Eli, I want to see your work! Ratonkadré production. I love it, it's so cute. Come on, Eli, please."</p><p>Eliott looks at Lucas who gives him puppy dog eyes. He doesn't resist when Lucas calls him Eli. It's something he's never done before and it fills Eliott's heart with joy every time he hears it because it means Lucas is attached to him again. Maybe he doesn't love him like he used to, but at least there's something between them. Something weird and undefinable, which for the moment places them between best friends and awkward boyfriends but which Eliott doesn't want to lose. So Eliott nods.</p><p>"Yeah! Thank you, Eli, you're the best."</p><p>Lucas kisses him again before crossing the living room to put the DVD in the player. Eliott greets the three guys with huge smiles on their faces and then goes to put the sunflowers in the vase with the lilies offered to Lucas at the beginning of the week.</p><p>"Put on pause." exclaims Lucas as he disappears into the restroom. "I'll be right back."</p><p>"Are you two together again?" asked Basile when Eliott settled on the couch.</p><p>''Wait Baz, they just kissed, it's pretty clear.'' said Arthur.</p><p>Eliott shakes his head, looking to see if Lucas doesn't come back.</p><p>''Frankly, I don't know. We're going at our own pace. If it reassures him to kiss me, I'll let him."</p><p>''Yeah.'' Basile laughs and winks at him, ''and if it makes him feel better to sex with you too, right? No wonder you agree. That's hot."</p><p>Yann frowns and Eliott sighs rolling his eyes.</p><p>''No. He wanted to, but I said no. I don't want it to be like that. I want him to be in love with me."</p><p>Yann pounds his fist against Eliott's fist and Arthur says, "Don't worry, he'll do it, man."</p><p>"Who will do what?" asks Lucas as he sits on the couch next to Eliott.</p><p>''You.'' Arthur stammers out ''You're gonna love the Eliott short film.''</p><p>"Yeah." Lucas confirms, grabbing the remote, "I'm sure I will.''</p><p>Lucas puts his head on Eliott's shoulder and Eliott's heart tightens a little, remembering all too well how they watched that same short film in each other's arms during the screening, before kissing tenderly. He tries not to think about before, but he can't quite get there and it's still painful.</p><p>Lucas intertwines their fingers, caressing Eliott's hand with his thumb, and Eliott spends more time watching their joined hands than watching his movie, which he knows by heart anyway. And that's why he jumps when Lucas starts screaming, letting go of Eliott's hand.</p><p>''Stop it!'' Lucas w yells, while on the screen Lola joins Eliott in the rain. ''Stop it. I don't want to see that! Stop it, damn it!"</p><p>Arthur jumps on the TV and immediately stops the film, while Eliott watches Lucas without daring to touch him. Lucas shakes his head, looking worried and lost, which hadn't happened for a long time.</p><p>''No. That's not it. I don't...You are not in your place, Eliott. You are not in your place."</p><p>Eliott shifts slightly, wanting to get off the couch to give Lucas a little more space, but Lucas grabs his arm.</p><p>''No, not here. In there. You were the one who was in the shadow... It wasn't like that...It was..."</p><p>Lucas's chest is lifting up in jolts, and even though he's trying to keep the sobbing in his chest, everybody in the room hears it very well.</p><p>''You were in the shadows but you didn't come out. I...I wasn't there. I didn't leave. It wasn't like that. It's...I don't know."</p><p>Lucas closes his eyes, tears are flowing, his breathing quickens.</p><p>''Lucas, calm down. It's okay, just calm down. Just breathe."</p><p>Eliott gently caresses his cheek, wiping away the tears while Lucas shakes his head.</p><p>''I almost got run over. There was a car. I was the one who came. I found you Eliott. I found you."</p><p>Lucas starts crying, hugging Eliott, who starts crying too, hugging him.</p><p>''You found me, babe. ''</p><p>Lucas nods, trying to talk through his sobs.</p><p>''I found you. You were waiting for me. I was the only one who knew you'd be here. I was the first. You said it. You said it, Eliott. I see you."</p><p>Lucas' breathing becomes much too fast so Eliott steps back a little, putting his hands on Lucas' cheeks.</p><p>''Calm down, babe. Please breathe. Calm down."</p><p>Lucas hardly breathes out of his mouth before shaking his head again.</p><p>''No, I see you. I only see you. It's always been you."</p><p>Lucas gasps more than he breathes and Eliott is really starting to get scared that he might faint again. </p><p>''Lucas, please breathe calmly. Breathe with me."</p><p>''Damn Lucas, calm down.'' Basile moans behind them ''You're scaring me right now.''</p><p>"Do I need to call for help?" asks Yann.</p><p>"Go get some cold water." Arthur yells.</p><p>Eliott hears their friends panicking and moving all around them but he can only concentrate on Lucas. Lucas shakes his head, crying even harder.</p><p>''I can't, Eliott, it's too much. It's you, damn it."</p><p>Lucas is holding his forehead, breathing much too fast and Eliott doesn't know what to do. So he bends over and captures Lucas' lips with his own. Lucas lets a huge breath into his mouth before kissing him back. He comes closer, climbing on Eliott's thighs without stopping kissing him, letting his hands slide into Eliott's hair.</p><p>Lucas' whole body relaxes as he lays his head on Eliott's shoulder and cries.</p><p>And suddenly he stops. Eliott pushes him aside, totally panicking but Yann puts his hand on him and Lucas grunts.</p><p>''He's sleeping, Eliott. He has fallen asleep. Damn, he's sleeping."</p><p>Basile comes to push him a little just to make sure that Lucas tightens his embrace around Eliott while grunting.</p><p>Eliott feels all his energy leaving his body at the same time as the breath he was holding back and their three friends who fall back sitting down at the same time as they let out a huge sigh show that they are doing the same.</p><p>"Fuck. What was that?" Basile asks, "Do you think he remembers?"</p><p>''Fuck, that was crazy.'' Arthur moans, resting his head on the couch. "On the verge of an exorcist."</p><p>''It was worse than the exorcist!'' said Basile as he looked at Lucas asleep against Eliott.</p><p>''Are you all right, Eliott?''</p><p>Eliott turns to Yann and shrugs his shoulders but it makes Lucas move, so he moans.</p><p>"My love, I want to go to bed. Please take me to bed. I'm so tired."</p><p>Eliott starts shaking like a leaf while hugging Lucas. He hasn't called him "my love" since the accident. He takes a deep breath before getting up, holding Lucas against him.</p><p>''He's called you that before?''</p><p>Eliott shakes his head without looking at Yann. He doesn't want to get his hopes up and be completely disappointed when Lucas wakes up. So he shakes his head and takes Lucas to their room. He lays him down on their bed and huddles up against him, provoking Lucas' satisfied groans.</p><p>Eliott can't close his eyes for a single second. He knows the guys haven't left because he didn't hear the apartment door open. He looks at Lucas, trying to remember that it doesn't matter if Lucas doesn't remember their first two years together. All that matters is that they have many years ahead of them to create new memories.</p><p>After a few hours, Lucas breathes a little harder and then starts to wiggle against Eliott. Eliott gently caresses his forehead, pushing his hair back and soon Lucas' blue eyes look at him silently while a small smile cracks on his face.</p><p>"Hi''.</p><p>Eliott swallows before smiling softly.</p><p>"Hi.</p><p>Lucas's chin starts shaking as if he is going to cry and Eliott puts his thumb over it.</p><p>"You're fine, Lucas?''</p><p>Lucas nods gently, a tear running down his eye.</p><p>''Yeah. I just... I can't believe it.''</p><p>''What?''</p><p>Lucas smiles, caressing Eliott's cheek, moving closer so that their noses touch.</p><p>''You. I yelled at you. I pushed you. I even spit on you and you made me fall in love with you a second time. I love you so much, my love.''</p><p>Lucas starts sobbing, imprisoning Eliott with his legs and arms.</p><p>''I loved you from the first time we looked at each other in high school. I can't believe I forgot that."</p><p>Eliott lets out a sob that comes from the bottom of his chest while Lucas kisses him all over his face.</p><p>''I have you, my love. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forgot about you. Thank you for being there for me even when I didn't want to be. I'm so sorry."</p><p>Eliott sniffs, trying to stop crying and Lucas pushes him on his back so he can climb on top of him.</p><p>''I love you. Fuck, that's"</p><p>Eliott pulls him up against him, crushing his lips against his own, letting his hands wander through this body he knows by heart. They don't stop until they're completely out of breath and Eliott gently turns Lucas to lie down beside him. Their legs are as tangled as their arms and it's just perfect.</p><p>"Do you remember everything?"</p><p>Lucas shrugs his shoulders and smiles.</p><p>''I don't really know what everything means, but I think. I remember how my heart went crazy the first time I saw you. I remember the butterflies in my belly when we first kissed. I remember the pleasure of making love to you. I remember the relief I felt when I found you under the bridge and the outpouring of love that came over me when I realized that you wanted to be found only by me. I remember the moment you asked me to move in with you."</p><p>Lucas touches the ring on Eliott's finger before looking at it again.</p><p>''I remember how I felt when you said yes. I remember how incredibly happy you make me, my love."</p><p>Eliott cried again and Lucas held him tight.</p><p>''I'm sorry I made you doubt, my love. You are so good to me. You are so perfect. I love you so much."</p><p>Lucas squeezes himself so tight against Eliott's body that it feels like he wants to go all the way inside of him, and it's not at all to displease Eliott, who moans back, even when he hits his head against the headboard trying to get up.</p><p>"I love you so much."</p><p>''Fuck ! Lulu, are you all right?"</p><p>''Tell me you got it, bro.''</p><p>Eliott and Lucas jumped up and looked at Yann, Arthur and Basile, gawking in their doorway.</p><p>''Yeah, I... I got it. I remember."</p><p>The guys start jumping and screaming for joy and Eliott hugs Lucas while sitting in the middle of the bed.</p><p>"Fuck, wait!" shouts Yann as he goes back into the living room.</p><p>He puts his jacket back in his hands and holds out his closed hand towards Lucas but at the last moment, he puts what he was holding in the palm of his hand in Eliott's hand.</p><p>''Here, bro-in-law. Everything in its place. And yours next to Lucas."</p><p>Eliott opens his hand and discovers Lucas' ring. He looks at Yann then turns towards Lucas, questioning him with his eyes.</p><p>''I asked Yann to keep it. I didn't see myself putting it on but I didn't want to throw it away. I can't fucking believe I dared to spit in your face."</p><p>Eliott shrugs his shoulders laughing, kissing Lucas, while putting the ring back where it should have stayed. Where it will stay until the end of time.</p><p>''Don't worry, you've done worse to my face than this before.''</p><p>The three boys moan and Eliott laughs, having already completely forgotten they were there.</p><p>''Oh God, no, El...''</p><p>Eliott looks at Lucas and strokes his cheek.</p><p>''You can call me Eli, I like that too. It'll remind us of what we've been through."</p><p>Lucas looks at him rolling his eyes.</p><p>''Do you really think we can ever forget this?''</p><p>Eliott starts laughing, with a nervous laugh, as he holds Lucas close to him. </p><p>''I'm sorry I spoiled the end of your movie, Eli, I swear I love it. But thanks for helping me get back."</p><p>Eliott hugs Lucas, hearing the happy moans of their friends. </p><p>Nothing will ever be the same again, it will be better. Because they know that life is hanging by a thread and they will enjoy it like never before.</p><p>Eliott will wonder for a long time if Lucas would have reacted the same way, watching <em>Lux &amp; Obscurus</em>, if they had played their own roles as Eliott had imagined when writing it. He remembers how disappointed he was when Lucas told him that he didn't have time because of his revisions to be able to help Eliott, and how weird it was to play this with Lola. But now that Lucas has regained his memory thanks to this, Eliott can't help but wonder if Lucas would have regained his memory if they had played their respective roles on the screen. And he's pretty sure he wouldn't.</p><p>So now he can't help but think that maybe that's what we call fate.</p><p>But he won't say that out loud, because otherwise his incredible fiancé will laugh at him until the end of time.</p><p>"What are you thinking, Eli?"</p><p>Eliott turns his head to look at Lucas, sitting on the couch watching him lovingly.</p><p>''To you. I love you."</p><p>Lucas takes a beautiful smile.</p><p>''I love you too my love.''</p><p>Lucas opens his arms and Eliott dives in, as one dives into a cool pool in the summer.</p><p>The world has regained its balance.</p><p>Love always wins.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks to all of you who followed this story and sorry for scaring you...but of course love always wins.</p><p>Have a beautiful day filled with love!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Remember me under the sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You're thinking, "Wait, wasn't that story supposed to be finished? "</p><p>Well, it was... but I wanted to share something else with you that I think is important...</p><p>so here we are...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>How do you do it when you know you're being unreasonable? When you are aware that you cannot forbid your partner to do something but you can't stop yourself from doing it? When you know you're going to get angry instead of being calm but you can't help it?</p><p>Eliott lets this thought torment him for two months. Lucas regained his full memory two months ago, and since then Eliott has been consumed with fear. He is afraid that Lucas will dare to talk about the subject that Eliott is avoiding and that he will get angry about it. Because he can't think calmly about it.</p><p>Maybe Lucas knows, and that's why he doesn't talk about it. Or maybe it's just because it's cold outside, and it rains almost every weekend. </p><p>Eliott is trying to convince himself that Lucas is not thinking about it anymore, and that it's a finished chapter in his life, but he knows Lucas well enough to know that it's not the case. He knows that Lucas should do it, at least once, so that he is not locked in fear, but Eliott doesn't want to. He doesn't want to be afraid. So he prefers to think that Lucas is afraid and does nothing to help him overcome that fear. Because he doesn't want that to happen.</p><p>And then it happens without warning.</p><p>It's a Saturday, it's 10:00 a.m. and the sun is shining in the Januar sky. Lucas' phone pings and Lucas smiles as he reads the message.</p><p>''The guys are at the skate park, I think I'll join them while you work.''</p><p>Lucas goes to the room and gets dressed and Eliott really tries not to panic. He's trying to convince himself that Lucas is only going to hang out with his friends.</p><p>And then Lucas comes out with his skateboard in his hand. The one who dropped him. The one that Eliott wanted to burn but that Yann forbade him to do so. The fucking skateboard that had been stored at the bottom of their closet for three months and that Eliott would have liked to never see come out again.</p><p>His worst enemy.</p><p>Eliott loses all his good intentions and his calm just seeing him, so he rips the skateboard out of Lucas' hands.</p><p>''No.''</p><p>Lucas looks at him, frowns and puts his hands on his hips.</p><p>''What?''</p><p>Eliott grows up unconsciously to face him and throws the skateboard on the couch.</p><p>''I said no! You don't skate!"</p><p>Lucas is speechless, then shake his head as if to come to his senses and speak softly.</p><p>''I know you're scared, Eli, but I like it. I promise you that''</p><p>''I said no, Lucas! I forbid you.''</p><p>Lucas pushes him slightly, heading towards the couch to get his skateboard back.</p><p>"Lucas, you can't do this to me!"</p><p>Lucas picks up his skateboard and turns to look at Eliott.</p><p>''You can't do this to me, Eli! I know you're scared and I understand. The doctors told me I can do this. I promise I'll wear a helmet and I won't try any new tricks, but I like it! You can't take that away from me. You don't have the right to forbid me to do what I like."</p><p>"You can't put yourself in danger like that!" Eliott yells, "We got lucky the first time. What if you fall? What if you hurt yourself again? What if you forget me again?"</p><p>Lucas moves closer to Eliott to give him a hug.</p><p>''I might as well fall off the sidewalk or get hit by a car. You can't put me in bubble wrap, my love."</p><p>''And you can't risk your life like that!'' screams Eliott as he pushes him away.</p><p>''It's just skateboarding, Eliott!'' Lucas yells. ''I've had a serious fall in 12 years! I'm not gonna stop because of this."</p><p>Eliott looks him in the eye.</p><p>"If you really loved me, you'd stop for me."</p><p>Lucas looks at him, turning red with anger.</p><p>''If you really loved me, you'd never stop me from doing what I love.''</p><p>Lucas lightly pushes Eliott aside, grabs his jacket and leaves the apartment by slamming the door. </p><p>Eliott drops down along the wall to sit with his head in his hands and starts crying. He knew this conversation would be complicated and he knows he has no right to forbid Lucas to do anything, but he can't help it. He didn't want it to be like this. He doesn't want to be like that..</p><p>The door opens and Lucas throws himself in his arms before he'va time to wipe away his tears.</p><p>"I'm sorry.''</p><p>''No, I'm sorry, babe.''</p><p>Lucas hugs him, putting his head on his neck.</p><p>''I'm sorry, my love. I know you're scared. I'm so sorry. I know this has been hard for you. We'll go at your pace, okay?"</p><p>Eliott nods gently, and Lucas dries his tears before kissing him.</p><p>''I'm not ready, babe. I'm sorry."</p><p>Lucas nods, kissing Eliott's cheeks before hugging him.</p><p>''I'll wait till you're ready. We're moving at your pace, my love. I'm gonna go see my friends, but I'm not skateboard, okay?"</p><p>Eliott nods but he's not satisfied.</p><p>''I don't want to put you through this, but it's too hard to imagine that you could"</p><p>"Shh.'' Lucas cut him off. ''I understand. All right? We'll wait a little longer. I can live without this, but not without you."</p><p>Eliott can't help but think back to that moment when he looks at Lucas, the skateboard in his hand at the end of the street, with a big smile on his face. It's a beautiful day, with a nice blue sky, and a sun shining just above Lucas. When he looks at him like that, Eliott thinks he's really lucky. Lucas is just gorgeous. And then Lucas puts the skateboard down and Eliott starts to feel anxious.</p><p>Lucas looks at Eliott and winks at him while tightening the helmet. Eliott is filming and that's the only thing that keeps him from stressing and yelling at them to stop. The two of them talked a lot about it and he agreed, in theory. But now that he sees him put his foot on the skateboard, he already imagines him falling and hurting himself and he wants to tell them to stop. But he can never bear the disappointment it would create on that face he loves so much, so he says nothing. Next to Eliott, Yann is already applauding while the skateboard hasn't moved and Eliott is really trying not to show that he is about to faint.</p><p>''He's safe, you know that, right?''</p><p>Eliott sighs as he turns to Basile and it makes Basile and Arthur laugh, which makes Eliott grunt.</p><p>''Daddy! Look at me, Daddy!"</p><p>Eliott looks at Leo who is slowly walking down the street, standing proudly on his skateboard while Lucas holds his hand. Lucas lets him go and Eliott's heart misses a beat.</p><p>"Daddy! I'm doing it on my own!"</p><p>Eliott can't even move anymore, and Basile takes the camera from his hands to film Leo and then turns around to film Eliott. </p><p>Eliott is crouching down to hug his son when he finally joins him, after a descent that seemed interminable to him but actually lasted less than a minute.</p><p>''Have you seen Daddy? I made it on my own! Just like dad!"</p><p>Eliott breathes, now that Leo is safe in his arms.</p><p>''I'm so proud of you, big boy.''</p><p>''It's the best birthday ever!'' exclaims the little brown boy as he jumps out to his friends, his little skateboard in hand. ''I want to be 6 every day!''</p><p>"I'm really proud of you, my love," said Lucas softly, hugging him.</p><p>Eliott kisses him tenderly, letting go of all his nervousness.</p><p>''Me too. I want to kill all four of you for daring to put my baby on a skateboard and now I'm going to die of fear as soon as he gets on it but it's okay. I'm fine."</p><p>Lucas giggles as he strokes his cheek.</p><p>"I thought I was your baby?"</p><p>''Oh, but I'm still scared every time your foot touches that plank of misery, babe. But you're happy so I'm happy too."</p><p>Lucas kisses him softly and Eliott sighs as he takes Celia from Arthur because she is crying.</p><p>''Maybe my princess will love painting like her daddy did, right honey? Tell me that I am not condemned to be surrounded by daredevils''.</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes while caressing their daughter's hair.</p><p>''Maybe she'll have fun going to forbidden parties in the middle of the night, put her tag anywhere in the city and sniff some paint.''</p><p>''I've never sniffed paint.'' Eliott laughs as he wraps his free arm around Lucas, ''You're an idiot."</p><p>"An idiot you love."</p><p>Eliott smiles while kissing his forehead.</p><p>"A idiot I'll always love."</p><p>''Good.'' Lucas laughs. ''Cause I really love you too, paint sniffer.''</p><p>Eliott starts laughing and stops sharply when he sees Yann who intercepts Léo before he goes down the six steps to the house with his skateboard. The skateboard goes down the stairs alone while Leo sulks in Yann's arms, visibly disappointed.</p><p>''It's okay, everything is fine. Accident avoided."</p><p>Eliott closes his eyes and decides to act as if he hadn't seen anything. Nothing will spoil this perfect day, especially not the fear.</p><p>"Maybe we'll confiscate it so he doesn't do anything stupid with it." says Lucas softly "To be used only under supervision."</p><p>Eliott nods with a smile before kissing him while continuing to rock Celia who falls asleep in his arms.</p><p>''Thank you, baby. Great idea."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and yes, they say that you always have to put your foot back in the stirrup when you fall off the horse (I wonder if it's a 100% French expression or if it's said in other countries)...but it's not always easy for the people around you....</p><p>and as I know you like Elu with children (and me too),  it's just a bonus. I hope you liked it.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Write me a little comment, or even just the emoji that sums up the most what you feel after this chapter ...</p></blockquote></div></div>
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